Big Fat Ostrich

If you’re willing to suffer a bit, this is the best sandwich you’ll eat all summer!

Ingredients:

- A whole lobster (I got a frozen one because the “fresh” ones looked rotten)

- One big radish

- A half sweet red pepper

- A half branch of celery

- A quarter of an apple

- Some lettuce

- Mayonnaise

- Cream cheese

- Your favorite multigrain bread

First, crack open every part of that bastard lobster in order to extract the sweet sweet flesh from it. If, like me, you had to buy a frozen one because the fresh ones didn’t look so fresh, best way to un-freeze it is to boil water in a big pot and just when it’s ready to explode, turn off the stove. Put the lobster in the water for a good 10 minutes. That should do the trick.

Cut everything real small, mix with mayo until you get a nice spreadable texture. Add some cream cheese to the mix to taste. Spread on a thick slice of bread, cover with second slice of bread. Cut in the middle. Serve. Get nipple hardening culinary experience right then and there.

Perfect with a salad made of the rest of those poor veggies and a big glass of homemade iced tea.

Cheers!

– Dan

So my Sony Ericsson W380 has been acting up lately. It’s really a great phone with few problems, but recently the battery started discharging when I shut the phone off!

What happens: After you turn off the phone, it starts to heat up. When you turn the phone back on, the battery is drained.

Well, that pretty much sucks monster moose cocks. It really is too bad that our technological crap is built to last for as long as it took me to make that avocado/cheese/tomato/zucchini sandwich that I just ate (which was awesome, thank you very much).

So, I grudgingly called my cell phone people. Grudgingly because, you know what it’s like: Call, wait, be on hold, talk to someone who may or may not know what they’re talking about. I got lucky this time though. I got through quickly and the customer service agent person forwarded my call to Sony Ericsson since they don’t deal with the W380 anymore. Nice.

Anyway, long story short, the guy at Sony Ericsson actually helped me out (although he had the personality of someone who just had a chloroformed rag shoved in his face). I followed his instructions carefully:

• Hold the power off button while simultaneously taking out the battery.
• Keep holding the power button for 20 seconds
• Finally, put the battery back in and power on your phone.
• Stir
• Serves one

And that’s it. My W380 hasn’t turned into a worthless brick yet, but we’ll see how it goes in the next few weeks.

And no, I am not getting an iPhone, so stop asking me already! I mean it. Seriously, now go away.