Big Fat Ostrich

One of my great pleasures in life is to invent dishes. I am the proud father of the “hamburdog” and of course, the inevitable “hot-durger”. I make a killer taco salad that uses the hard shells as croutons (since they kept fucking crumbling in my hands anyway). But my greatest achievement so far has to be the Spagstramizza.

Intrigued yet? Good.

Let me show you how to prepare the thing.

First you take a plate. Any plate will do.

Then you add a fat toasted slice of pumpernickel bread:

Then you pour hot homemade spaghetti sauce on the fucker:

Then you sprinkle your favorite cheese on it:

Then you add hot smoked meat (Montreal style, like Levitts’, is the best, but standard pastrami will do):

And then you eat it with utensils. A pickle or coleslaw on the side are great addition to the experience.

Enjoy!!!

PS.: To the chick who wanted to sell us ads and then said that our website “tried to attack her computer” because Norton said so but she didn’t remember the exact error message but to not try to contact her again: Go fuck yourself. Our website is squeaky clean, bitch.

I had a stalk of celery slacking off in the fridge so I figured I better use it before it got all rubbery and disgusting. Well, soup was the answer!

I made up the recipe, so here’s what I threw in the pot:

1 tablespoon of butter
4-5 cloves of garlic (crushed)
1 stalk of celery (yeah, use the whole thing)
3 fist fulls of potatoes (cut and peeled or not. Your choice!)
1 yellow bell pepper (for fun)

On medium, heat the butter and garlic. Throw in the celery. All of it. Cook it for a bit until it starts getting all steamy and then throw in like, 4 cups of water. Maybe more. You get to gauge it because I don’t remember. Use your intuition and think of it as a challenge! Then toss in the potatoes and boil the whole thing until it’s soft enough to blend. Because you WILL be blending it at the end.

It’ll look like this. I forgot to take a picture so I reproduced it though the power of Gimp. Yes, the sun represents potatoes. Behold….Universe Soup! (pre-cooked)

Stir and stir and grind some fresh black pepper into the mix. Throw in some salt if you want to bring up the cholesterol or however that works.

Finally, add about a half teaspoon of ground cumin. This is the key. Not too much, not too little.

Keep on boiling for x amount of time. Are the potatoes soft now? Good. Turn off the heat and blend it in a blender (duh). You might have to do it in batches. That’s ok.

The cumin is what gives it that golden universe hue!

And that’s it! You’ve just made some delicious Celery Potato Universe Soup ™:

Giving guitar lessons requires a lot of energy, so what better meal to prepare than our never before attempted BFO Taouks? Yeah, Dan wants me to give him some hot slide guitar tips and I cannot do that on an empty stomach. So let’s get started.

The Chicken
Look, if we could use ostrich, we would, but no one sells it around here. So chicken it was.

2 boneless chicken breasts (diced)
2 lemons

We used a wok, so pour in a few teaspoons of olive oil and heat it up on medium until the oil begins to smoke, just a bit. Toss in the chicken and stir fry until the chicken is sealed. Squeeze the lemons in and continue to cook until them chicken is golden. Cook ‘em how you like them, cause this part is a matter of taste.

Meanwhile at the tzatziki station…

Homemade Chunky Style Tzatziki
1 large cucumber
1.5 cups of Greek style yogurt
1 tablespoon of dill
1 clove of garlic

Slice your cucumber (not a euphemism) in half, and remove the seeds. Dice it fine and then squeeze out the excess water. I’ll be honest with you, we intended to cut the cucumber into finer pieces but I didn’t have the patience. Hence, the larger chunks of cuke. Hence “Chunky style”.

Throw the cucumber in a bowl, dump in the Greek style Yogurt, crush that clove of garlic in there, and mix in the dill. Mix it all up nice and good and what do you got? Chunky Style BFO Tzatziki.

Now warm up the oven, and throw your pitas in there. No one like cold pitas to wrap their food in, so do that now. You might also want to slice up some tomato and lettuce. We didn’t have onion, so we used some endives (not pictured because they fucking sucked)

There. The tzatziki was awesome, although the picture could be better. What do you expect from an iPhone 4…

Here’s a better pic:

Now let’s bring in the chicken

Now wrap it all together. Some people like to stuff their pita. I like to roll mine. Spread a healthy layer of tzatziki on your pita, then add the ingredients. Wrap it. Look at it. Take a picture of it. eat it.

Kitchen Pro Tip: Do not squeeze lemon over your pita. It fucks it up. Sure, I ate it, but it didn’t need more lemon.

It’s summertime and time for salad!

But you know what? Your salad is nothing without a good dressing. Nothing! Which is why we’re here to tell you how to spruce up your bowl of greens and stuff with a kick-ass dressing that will make you wish you had never bought that crate of Renees Sweet and Sour Hog Sauce.

So let’s get started!

You’ll need:

Mayonnaise
Half a lemon (squeezed)
2 Garlic Cloves (finely chopped)
A handful of red seedless grapes (quartered)
3 pickled banana peppers (diced)
Ground Black Pepper (the more the better)
A touch of lemon zest (use the same lemon!)

Preparation:

Chop up the garlic cloves real fine like, and do the same thing to the pickled banana peppers. Diced, chopped, whatever. We’re not really sure what the difference is, so just make sure they’re fine and mushy. Then get a bowl and slog in a few healthy dollops of mayo and squeeze in the half lemon. mixing it all together with your favorite fork. You can mix in the peppers and the garlic too, and while you’re at it, chop up those grapes in quarters, or halves. Now mix it all together some more. Don’t stop! Keep mixing!

Now for the pepper.

You can use your own judgment and add a sprinkle, or a teaspoon. Or, you can be like us and open the pepper without looking and start shaking it generously into the bowl, only to realize after 2 seconds that the ‘big hole’ side of the pepper thing was open, effectively dousing the mix with ALOT of pepper. Too much pepper you say? You might say, but you’d also be wrong. The amount of pepper that poured out was actually ideal. Tangy, peppery, and just right once mixed into the salad. In fact, it was a perfect compliment to the arugula.

So yeah, this dressing was a total success. The grapes were like little forgotten pleasures of grapeness that popped up when we least expected it. The peppers added some zest and were not overpowering in the least. Overall, a good creamy tangy dressing to get you ready for summer!