Big Fat Ostrich

What a day!

I spent 8 hours fixing the ‘ternets! 8 goddamn hours. With like, 30 minutes for lunch. They even removed my shackles just long enough so that I could go to the bathroom. In the bucket next to my desk!

But I survived. Yes I did.

On my way home, I plotted my victory dinner: I’d throw some cheese tortellini into a pot of boiling water. In a small saucepan, I’d cook up a light tomato sauce, with fennel seeds and dill. A bit of garlic too, with slices of yesterdays shallots. Yes, I deserved this. I’d eat my dinner like a king. With a beer. While watching Lost.

Except I was out of goddamn tortellini!! And tomatoes!

God. How could I be so stupid? Thinking that the freezer was chock full ‘o delectable cheese-filled-tortellini shaped tortellinis. What an idiot  I was. And the water was already on the boil! What was I to do?

I had to think fast.

I checked the time: 8:50pm. Lost would be starting soon and I needed to eat. No, prunes and sour cream would not suffice. Not this time!

I looked in the pantry. Half a bag of Rotini! I threw it in the pot. But dammit…no time for sauce. No time!

Then it hit me.

Tuna. A can of tuna was definitely going in the pasta. In fact, the pasta was ready. A little Al dente, but ready. The after boil will take care of it.

I strained out the pasta, threw in the tuna. Will fennel work? It goddamn better, so I took the chance of my life. I mixed in the fennel and the dill, but it was all too dry, so I went fucking crazy.

I added a teaspoon of mayonnaise. And you know what?

It worked.

I was totally starving, but it was perfectly edible, filling, and flavorful. Do not ever underestimate the power of fennel and dill.

Ever.

I’m always looking for cool new munchies. Yesterday at the grocery store I picked up a bag of Pringles SELECT. The bag claims that they’re “A unique taste escape”. Well appart from being smaller and coming in such pompous flavorings as “Parmesan and Roasted Garlic”, “Chipotle Barbecue” (I think they’re totally late to the chipotle party), “Sun Dried Tomato” and “Cinnamon Sweet Potato”, the SELECT Pringles are exactly like the original ones. They still got that cardboard taste that gets very old very fast yet you can’t help but keep eating. I gotta give them credit for the little presentation text on the back of the bag though. This one says:

“Like a parmesan cheese wheel rolling through a garlic patch”

This is how I picture it:

Yes siree… I believe I’m completely done with this particular topic.

Bye.

Dan

This super easy recipe will have you filling your face with a great nutritious meal in no time! This is really about a simple garnish for your fish, so you can choose the cut of salmon that you prefer.

Depending on your preference, Atlantic or Pacific salmon will do. Hey, mix it up if you’d like, just stick to salmon. This isn’t a trout recipe, so I can’t guarantee anything if you use something other than salmon. If you don’t use salmon and get unexpected results, we will look the other way.

Prep time: 10 minutes
Cooking time: 30 minutes

Ingredients:

2 cloves of garlic (3 if you’re feeling dangerous)
2 – 3 pinches of fresh dill
3 – 4 tablespoons of olive oil (your favorite brand)
2 medium size fillets of your favorite salmon

If your fish is frozen, you should plan on letting it defrost for a few hours. I recommend letting it defrost in the fridge. If you have to resort to the microwave in a pinch, do it. Just know that I’m frowning with great disappointment.

Prep:
Pre-heat the oven to 350. Grease a medium sized shallow Pyrex dish with olive oil and place your (defrosted) salmon fillets in the tray.

Crush the garlic into a small bowl and add 3 or 4 tablespoons of olive oil. Gauge according to how much fish you have. Your goal is to lightly cover your fish, not to drown it. Next, add a few pinches of dill and mix it up good. Real good. Now pour your mix over your sexy salmons that are sitting there all hot and sexy, just asking for it.

Cover the dish with aluminum foil, or if you’re like me and you always forget to buy foil, you can improvise by covering the dish with a large metal pan.

Next you play the waiting game (30 min), but you can take a peek after 20 minutes to see how we’re doing. Now’s a good time to set the table, steam some vegetables to serve on the side, or to do the dishes for once! Seriously, I swear!

If everything looks good, get a spatula and serve!

Protip: Leaving your fish in for too long will dry it out! Be careful.

This recipe serves 1 to 2 people and is easy to adjust for larger servings.

Enjoy!

Before this site turns into “Big Fat Street Fighter Review”, I thought I’d offer you guys a present: My Awesome Chili Recipe. It’s a recipe that took me years to perfect, and if I one day have a child, it’ll probably be his only inheritance. It’s the first recipe post in what I hope will become a regular feature. Let me know if you enjoyed it, hated it, or have some suggestions to make it better. I tried to stick with pretty easy to find ingredients and none of ‘em is absolutely necessary. So here we go, time to put on your chef hats and your fake mexican moustaches!

Ingredients

- 1 lb ground veal

- 1 x 796ml can of diced tomatoes

- 1 x 398ml can of tomato sauce

- 1 x 540ml can of small red kidney beans (the bigger beans are okay too, not ideal but okay)

- 2 onions

- 1 garlic clove

- 1 tablespoon extra super virgin pro premium olive oil

- 1/2 cup of red wine

- 1/2 tsp chili powder

- 1/2 tsp crushed cayenne pepper

- a pinch of paprika

- a tiny pinch of cinnamon

- a pinch of ground cumin (giggedy)

- 1 thing of fresh coriander

- Sour cream (optional)

- Corn chips (optional)

Preparation

Put everything in a blender and mix for a good 2 minutes. Serve as a protein shake. Mmmmmm…

Seriously though, you start by chopping up the onions and the garlic. The size is entirely up to you but for some reason, in a chili, I prefer bigger onion chunks. Wash and chop the coriander, the finer the better. Open all the cans so you don’t get caught when it’s time to add their contents to the mix. Rinse the red kidney beans to get rid of the disgusting “bean slime” they’re packaged in.

That’s it, you’re all set, turn on the stove , set it to “max”, pour the olive oil in a big frying pan or a wok. Add the onions, the garlic and the veal. After 5 minutes or so, add the red wine. After another 5 minutes, add the diced tomatoes, the tomato sauce, the red kidney beans (Yes, I add them at the beginning. A lot of people will tell you to add them near the end, but they’re WRONG! I find adding the beans early gives them a smoother texture, like, it makes them melt in your mouth. Oh yeah baby, melt dem naughty naughty beans in your mouth…)

Now it’s time to reduce the fire to “medium-low”. It’s also time for the trickiest part of the recipe: the spices. I usually use half a teaspoon of chili powder, half a teaspoon of cayenne pepper, and a pinch of everything else. Especially the cinnamon; you gotta be suuuper careful with the cinnamon cuz it can totally ruin your recipe. On the other hand, you can put up to a half a teaspoon of cumin and paprika if you know what you’re doing. Using too much cumin will make your chili taste like an indian dish though.

Words of wisdom: a great recipe takes a lot of trial and error. Don’t be afraid to test the hell out of it when you’re not cooking for guests, I know that’s how I made my coolest cooking discoveries (which I’ll make sure to share with you in the future).

Back to our awesome chili. Let it simmer to reduce on “medium-low” for a good hour. Stir every 10 minutes or so. It’ll probably mess up your whole kitchen with little red drops, so be prepared.

Protip: after it’s done simmering, turn the stove off and let it rest for another hour. It makes a huge difference on the taste when you let all the ingredients cool down together for a while.

Serve in a bowl with some fresh coriander sprinkled on it, a spoonful of sour cream and corn chips.

This recipe will feed 4 normal people, or 1 single disgusting fuck.

Enjoy!