Big Fat Ostrich

Yep, the Non-Gamer is totally back and he is totally impressed by a game he’ll probably never play. Seriously, I don’t even own a gaming console or a Windows machine.

Granted, they’re comparing the still unreleased Grand Theft Auto V with 2004′s San Andreas. 2004 is a whole universe ago in Internet years but the comparison is like night and day. When I actually did play GTA it was in 2003 or something, and I thought the graphics were amazing. Looking back…not so great. BUT, the thing about games is that when they’re engaging, our brains forgo shitty graphics and compensate when our imaginations are kicked into high gear. Or something like that. That’s why games like Adventure on the Atari 2600 were so much fun. Your guy was a square and the dragon looked like a duck, but damn you really felt like you were there! In a magical castle and everything! Because of your boundless imagination!

Or maybe not.

Anyway, check it out. It looks so amazing that I’m this close to using the expression “sick”. Yep. This close –> | |

But I won’t.

I’m going to try talking about another game I’ve never played. Join me, and then call me a n00b. It’s cool, I can take it.

Yes, it’s Deus Ex: Human Revolution, the third in the Deus Ex series of Cyberpunk games that take place in a the future. It’s from Montreal‘s own Eidos software, which is a subsidiary of Square Enix.

So where to start? The Deux Ex series has been super popular from what I hear, and Human Revolution has been pre-ordering like crazy. For all you non-gaming folk out there, pre-ordering is kind of like reserving a copy before it’s available in the store so that when it IS available you’ll get a copy. Jerk wads like GameStop actually remove OnLive vouchers from previously sealed boxes claiming that the OnLive game codes that you get when you buy the game competes with their cloud gaming service. I don’t know, if I was a gamer (which I’m not) I would expect my game to be sealed in shrink wrap when I bought it. Or maybe Gamestop should just rethink their shitty business model. Questionable practices indeed! But I digress.

Uh, yeah, so Deus Ex! Looks awesome. Here’s some concept art featuring Montreal’s Phillips Square and starring that dirt bag Burger King all done up future style. I sourced the image from here.  Below is the requisite comparison photo from Google Street View.

So yeah, Deus Ex: Human Revolution looks really slick!

Slick. That’s all I can come up with! But it’s true. It’s got a lot going for it as an FPS RPG and all that. You’re basically a guy that has a bunch of missions to do all over the world and you get points as you complete stuff. There are also lots of achievements and you can finish the game in like 6 different ways. That’s a lot of ways!

Also, Deus Ex: Human Revolution is a prequel, so you can technically play this game before playing Deus Ex and Deus Ex: Invisible War. But I could be wrong.

Seriously though, Human Revolution looks awesome and I would totally play it if I had a PC or a gaming console.

I’m at that point in my life where I don’t give a fuck about the operating system anymore. Can I run my game on it? Yes? Well fuck everything, I’m installing it. Except when it comes to Windows Vista. Vista once managed to crash on me opening a text file in notepad. So anyway, I decided to try out Windows 7. Here’s an in-depth analysis of the differences between Windows 7 and the older versions:

Moontard drawn in the classic ms paint:

Moontard drawn in the new Windows 7 ms paint:

The Windows 7 moontard’s got a huge member, a classy hat, good lines and better eyes.

In conclusion, if you’re stuck using windows anyway, don’t hesitate, get yourself a copy of Windows 7 as soon as it comes out at the end of the month.

Cheers.

Dan