Tag: american idol

McCain Rising Crust Pizza is Disgusting

I love how when you do a Google search for “McCain rising crust pizza is disgusting” (without the quotes), the #1 result is McCain.com. As if we’re expected to believe that the word “disgusting” resides somewhere on their website! It kind of makes me wonder if McCain isn’t involved in a little black or grey hat SEO magic. Either way, I’m pretty sure they’re paying the advertising dollars to net themselves a nice Google ranking.

Anyway, if you’ve ever tried McCain’s Rising “crust” pizza, you may have noticed two things:

a) it sucks
b) the crust doesn’t cut or tear at all like crust is supposed to!

I don’t know. It rips like cardboard. That’s the only way I can describe it. It has this weird plasticky (sp?) feel to it. Like it won’t burn or go bad. Ever.

I just can’t place my finger on it. It’s like the crust rises not with the help of yeast, but through some weird non-yeast chemical reaction. It has a strange hollow feel to it too and just doesn’t feel like bread. Anyway, I love a good pizza so I gave it a shot. I ate the whole thing and just felt sick afterwards. And no, it’s not because I ate the whole thing that I felt sick.

McCain Crescendo Rising Crust Pizza Deluxe

You see, being able to eat a whole pizza is the barometer of goodness. A proper, well made, medium sized pizza can be devoured by any self-respecting man in one sitting. Afterwards, he should drift off into a dreamless pizza coma, his thoughts becoming nothingness, like the pizza that once occupied the now empty box strewn on his coffee table.

With McCain’s Rising Crust “pizza”, halfway through eating it (I think it was the Crescendo) I found my brow beginning to furrow uncomfortably, with a low-grade feeling of dread slowly washing over me. By the time I finished it, I was curled into a fetal position, too weak to change the channel and forced to watch the remnants of American Idol with my eyes closed.

I think I’ll stick to homemade pizza from now on.