Big Fat Ostrich

The non-gamer is back again with some car racing games for Android.

I picked 5 games at random, installed them and took them for a “test drive”.

Get it?!

Anyway, here we go.

Racing 2D: Racing 2D has a slick splash screen. Then you get to pick a car and your race track. Then the game crashes. Awesome. Install it yourself and let me know if it works.

Graviracers: Graviracers by Other Apps Are Craps (bonus points for the name). Ok, you’ve got a highway floating in the sky. Using your phone’s gyroscope thing, you balance your car on the asphalt. In order to start rolling, tip the highway so that gravity does it’s thing and starts to pull you down the road. This one’s very challenging because there are some crazy hills on the road, so if you pick up too much speed, you’ll fall off the road and keep falling. Then you have to start over. Very cool game that really demands precision. There’s also a crazy loungy soundtrack that morphs into a more electro thing.

Update: Graviracers is impossible. I love the concept, just that it’s impossible to complete level 1. Like something is seriously wrong with this game. Oh well, great concept.

Car Fighter: Car fighter is a vertical scroller where you basically knock cars off the road using left and right arrows while shitty music plays in the background. The only fault is that each movement requires that you hit the button. Like, you can’t hold the arrow and move across the screen until you let go. It’s fun enough and a decent time waster. Look out for the yellow car! He’s your rival.

Online Racer: The tag line is “Enter the world of speed and feel the adrenaline rushing through your veins!” Well ok then. Challenge accepted! Except…you have to play through Facebook. I guess that’s why one of the “highlights” of this game is that you don’t have to install anything. (Fine, the word Online is in the title of the game. I should have known). Nice ruse anyway, but no thanks. We won’t be playing this one. Feel the rush as I uninstall whatever it was that I just installed. If this game is actually good and you want to try it, download it here. I mean fake download it.

Raging Thunder: Raging Thunder is the most realistic and playable car game so far. That I’ve played anyway. This one makes full use of the gyroscope in my Nexus S so you can drive by tilting the phone to the left and right. Great action and the text and messages remind me a lot of Atari‘s Pole Position from back in the golden age of arcade games. You know, when you pass the checkpoint and the game displays “Time Extended”? Yep, it’s the exact same text.

So yeah, Raging Thunder, Graviracers and maybe Car Fighter (just for the music. God, it’s bad) are my picks.

And, if you’re looking for some non-Android games that you just want to play on you PC, check out these car games online.

Hey all. The Non-Gamer is back with another non-review. This time we’ll be talking about Skyrim.  Dan, the actual gamer, was supposed to do the actual review. Unfortunately, since Skyrim was released on November 11, his vocabulary has gone to shit and this is all he ever says anymore:

“skyrim skyrim! skyrim skyrim skyrim? skyrim skyrim skyrim, skyrim. skyrim skyrim ‘skyrim’ skyrim! skyrim skyrim…skyrim skyrim! skyrim skyrim skyrim? skyrim skyrim; skyrim skyrim! skyrim skyrim (skyrim) skyrim skyrim skyrim skyrim!! skyrim!”

So you’re stuck with me. Let’s start.

Skyrim is the long awaited fifth installment in the Elder Scrolls series. This isn’t a sequel to The Elder Scrolls IV, but a chapter.  Like, you’re in the Elder Scrolls world, but you have a whole bunch of new shit to do. And by shit to do, I mean missions to complete. All with one goal in mind: defeat Alduin! That annoying Nordic dragon god! Seriously. Fuck that guy and the wings he flew in on.

As expected, Skyrim looks insane. In my last post about gaming, I actually talked about Adventure on the Atari 2600 where your dude was a square. They didn’t even bother putting arms on it or a smiley face. Nothing. You were a square! Well get your head out of your computer screen, 1980′s you (which was actually just a TV hooked up with a Game/TV switch) and have a look at the future…by looking into the past! It’s Skyrim and it’s still medieval all over the place:

So yeah, it’s beautiful and I’ll bet the movements are really fluid. But I’ll never know.

Cause I’ll never play it!

But here’s another screen shot!

Wow, by the looks of it, Skyrim is a huge success. 230,000 people were playing the game on Steam the day it was released. No doubt they were all rocking out to Jeremy Soule‘s original score (same dude who scored Morrowind). I’m not really a fan of his new stuff though. I liked him better when he was on vinyl.

Oh, before I go, I wanted to talk about the Creation Engine which is what lies beneath Skyrim’s leathery complexion. It’s Bethsheda’s own and it’s highly complex. It’s goal is to give an ultra natural feel to the world that your character experiences. For instance, weight and other variables are assigned to the natural elements so that they’re affected by wind and other things, like, well, mainly wind. So trees will move more naturally, water will look like it should. Things like that.

Well, I’m out so happy gaming! Here’s a night shot:

Yep, the Non-Gamer is totally back and he is totally impressed by a game he’ll probably never play. Seriously, I don’t even own a gaming console or a Windows machine.

Granted, they’re comparing the still unreleased Grand Theft Auto V with 2004′s San Andreas. 2004 is a whole universe ago in Internet years but the comparison is like night and day. When I actually did play GTA it was in 2003 or something, and I thought the graphics were amazing. Looking back…not so great. BUT, the thing about games is that when they’re engaging, our brains forgo shitty graphics and compensate when our imaginations are kicked into high gear. Or something like that. That’s why games like Adventure on the Atari 2600 were so much fun. Your guy was a square and the dragon looked like a duck, but damn you really felt like you were there! In a magical castle and everything! Because of your boundless imagination!

Or maybe not.

Anyway, check it out. It looks so amazing that I’m this close to using the expression “sick”. Yep. This close –> | |

But I won’t.

Having a smart phone is supposed to be all about the Apps because…or was that productivity? Anyway, why would you want to be productive? On a phone. Whatev.

So I installed a few games that are supposed to be the best ones. And popular too! However, I did stay away from Angry Birds since it just looks lame.

1. OpenSudoku – If you like sudoku, you’ll like this. If you don’t like sudoku, why would you even play it? Seriously, man. Why would you do something like that? You can download the apk here from  code.google.com.

2. Trap – Remember Qix? This is basically the same thing. You have to claim the majority of the playing field without touching the Qix entity thing. Trap, in comparison to Qix is, how they say in Singapore: Same Same, but Different. It’s not bad, just that it doesn’t have the playability of the original version which was released in 1981. I’ll admit that I haven’t figured out how to play it properly yet. Also, “it’s a trap”. haha. Here’s a comparison shot of the two.

3.Robotek HD – This game came as a recommendation, which is interesting because it’s easily in my top 5 worst games I’ve ever played. Ok, you’re a robot on the left side of the screen and you have to defeat “The Mainframe” on the right side. All of your attack moves are based solely on the roll of the dice, or in the case of Robotek, the results of a slot machine spin. Yes, the results of the spin determine how much you get to attack that idiotic mainframe (which just looks like a rocket). Here’s a screen shot. The colors are vivid, and the music is what I envisioned Lounge Linux to sound like. This game sucks almost as bad as the formatting on this post. Jesus.

4. Sushi Slash – This was weird. Bunch of sushi pieces floating around and you’re supposed to slash them with your katana? What? But how do you win? Then I realized that you’re actually supposed to slash the sushi cutting board until there’s almost nothing left. Yep, this is the same concept as Trap aka Qix. One of the weirder re-packagings of a game I’ve seen. Sushi Slash ain’t bad and does take a little skill. The levels get more challenging too in a fun puzzle way. Look out for that flying sashimi!

5. Zombie Village – by fungame land.  I’ll let the creators describe Zombie Village for you: “Zombie Village is the most fun and challenging game if you are so into about Zombie game…” Indeed, Zombie Village couldn’t hold my attention for more than 3 minutes. This side scroller goes on forever and it looks like that over there on the right. So yeah, if you see this game or have the opportunity to install it. Don’t. Run away. Run as if you were being pursued by rotting hordes of mindless corpses. You see, to actually sit down and play Zombie Village is to become one of them! Save yourself!

I’m going to try talking about another game I’ve never played. Join me, and then call me a n00b. It’s cool, I can take it.

Yes, it’s Deus Ex: Human Revolution, the third in the Deus Ex series of Cyberpunk games that take place in a the future. It’s from Montreal‘s own Eidos software, which is a subsidiary of Square Enix.

So where to start? The Deux Ex series has been super popular from what I hear, and Human Revolution has been pre-ordering like crazy. For all you non-gaming folk out there, pre-ordering is kind of like reserving a copy before it’s available in the store so that when it IS available you’ll get a copy. Jerk wads like GameStop actually remove OnLive vouchers from previously sealed boxes claiming that the OnLive game codes that you get when you buy the game competes with their cloud gaming service. I don’t know, if I was a gamer (which I’m not) I would expect my game to be sealed in shrink wrap when I bought it. Or maybe Gamestop should just rethink their shitty business model. Questionable practices indeed! But I digress.

Uh, yeah, so Deus Ex! Looks awesome. Here’s some concept art featuring Montreal’s Phillips Square and starring that dirt bag Burger King all done up future style. I sourced the image from here.  Below is the requisite comparison photo from Google Street View.

So yeah, Deus Ex: Human Revolution looks really slick!

Slick. That’s all I can come up with! But it’s true. It’s got a lot going for it as an FPS RPG and all that. You’re basically a guy that has a bunch of missions to do all over the world and you get points as you complete stuff. There are also lots of achievements and you can finish the game in like 6 different ways. That’s a lot of ways!

Also, Deus Ex: Human Revolution is a prequel, so you can technically play this game before playing Deus Ex and Deus Ex: Invisible War. But I could be wrong.

Seriously though, Human Revolution looks awesome and I would totally play it if I had a PC or a gaming console.

Those crazy guys over at Amanita Design have a relatively new online game. Osada is billed as an interactive music video but it’s just another point-and-click game like Samorost and Machinarium.

The difference is the music, which is Spanish/Mexican themed as opposed to the music in Machinarium and Samorost which was more ethereal and mind meltingly New Age. In a good way.

The goal is to point and click your way through the various levels which are populated with sleazy Mexican outlaw dudes who are sometimes equipped with guitars, ping pong paddles or bottles of tequila. Like Machinarium and Samorost, there’s a high level of surrealism. Osada isn’t as visually pleasing as those two, but it’s some well put together stuff even if the puzzles are more obvious and less intuitive than previous games.

Have fun.

Machinarium has got to be my new favorite game that I should have known about but didn’t. It was released in October 2009 and I only just found out about it.

Machinarium is a point and click puzzle adventure game with sweet animation and a very pleasing soundtrack. Mega kudos go to Jakub Dvorský for the beautiful look of this game and Tomáš Dvořák for a gorgeous soundtrack that’s all liquid and jazz. Anyway, it’s pretty ethereal with beautiful textures and will probably remind you of Myst in the way that you unravel the world you’re exploring, acquiring knowledge along the way. But unlike Myst you work on a single screen/level at a time.

You can play the demo here. You’re Josef, a broken adorable robot and you start off by figuring out how to put yourself back together and then go from there, solving one level at a time. What’s nice is that you can play Machinarium on any platform (Windows, Mac OS, Linux, PS3, Wii) and Amanita is even getting ready to release it for the Blackberry Playbook and the iPad. Yay.

So go play it now! I’ll be back with some reviews of Amanita Designs other cool point and click adventure puzzles Samorost and Samorost 2 (also by Jakub Dvorský) Man I love the way this guy draws.

Anyway, while we wait for Dan’s upcoming awesome L.A. Noire review, here’s a walkthrough that shows just how awesome L.A. Noire is to look at, and play: