Big Fat Ostrich

Yeah! Welcome to another edition of “Let’s Throw Money Away on Something That’s Gonna Be Obsolete In 1 Year!”

That’s right. I’m talking about buying a 24k gold-plated iPhone for 19 grand and storing it in a real Ostrich Foot carrying case!

Man, did the word “Bargain!” flash in your brain? It did for me, because nothing screams bargain like “get a free Ostrich Case” when you spend 19,000 dollars on an iPhone.

Softer Than An Ostrich's Butt

Anyway, just look at the thing! Pretty fucking audacious, but not as bad as the Diamond Encrusted iPhone.At least the damn thing is unlocked.

There's Gold In Them Thar iPhone!

That’s right, BFO is one year old! I spent hours making this ms paint birthday card.

Yeah! Happy Birthday BFO! Let’s hand out some goddamn awards.

• The STFU Already Award: Mike O. For posting 55 times!
• The Unwashed Blogger Award: Dan for this post
• Most Disgusting Guest Blogger: (You’re a sick fuck, but we love you) Radiation Juan
• Most Popular Guest Blogger: Dobson (For keeping it real. Really pathetic)
• Best Fan Award: Note to self…promote blog.

Yeah man. Congratulations to all the winners!

How’s it hanging, all you leprechauns? I know. One day late. But you know what? I was celebrating St-Patrick’s Day by drinking a bottle of Glenfiddich with my old Air Force buddies. The joke around here is that we say we’re in the Air Force because we blow real hard! Ha!

Well as you now know, yours truly is unilaterally declaring the month of March as “Ostrich Month”. The reason is because it’s been just about 1 year since the boys set up this forum and they have to celebrate somehow. Plus I’ve been getting a lot of Ostrich News over my fax machine and I need to vent. I’ll have some for you in a second. Right after this limerick I just made up:

This Ostrich he had some green feathers!
And hid in a great patch of heather!
He surprised a young lass!
But then she whipped his ass!
And then found himself under the weather!

Ha! You like that? Ok, here’s another:

I drank a whole bottle of scotch!
Just to take things up a notch!
I met a young tart!
But then she broke my heart!
And I woke up with mites on my crotch!

True story.

So where was I? Yes. Ostrich News. Well, the last thing that I got over the old Morse Code was about the iPad from Macintosh. It seems you can buy exotic skin iPad cases from Padova. Big deal. $570 for the Ostrich Case. Do you realize how much Guinness I can buy for $570?? Do you have any idea? Well take my word for it. She’s not worth it. Hey that gives me an idea for another limerick:

I went to the Pub for a beer!
And this lass whispered in my ear!
She said, “hey I know you!”
“You didn’t pay for the brew!”
“Now get the hell out of my pub!”

True story.

Hold on to your big fat feathery butts, because here comes the Chandler Ostrich Festival!

That’s right. It’s all happening in Tumbleweed Park in Chandler, Arizona, THIS WEEKEND. So if you don’t have your tickets yet, what are you waiting for? Get on the nesterwebs, book a flight, book a room, shave your eyebrows, get some face paint and head on down to the Ostrich Fest!

Seriously though, this has been happening annually for 22 glorious feather-filled years, and it’s not just about Ostriches (although we dig them, yes we do). It’s about Medieval Jousting, Wild Monkeys, Amateur Boxing, Archery, Music, and even a petting zoo!

“But Mike O, is there more than that? I don’t wanna go all the way down there for nothin’”

Hell yeah, there’s more! How about The Freakshow Deluxe? Yeah, now we’re talking.  If the words Freak and Show don’t make you put your pants on backwards (on purpose), then dude, you are crazy.

And you know what else? It’s dirt cheap! 9$ a day for Adults and that includes concerts! 25$ if you want to go on the rides, which is still a steal.

And did I mention that they have Ostrich Races? No? well they do. Just look at them! It’s like Joust, only better pixelated.

Wow, there are just too many attractions to mention here, so check ‘em all out on the official site now. I know I posted the link up there somewhere, but right now, my head is exploding from too much ostrich!

It’s all going on this weekend!

Well if it isn’t time for some Ostrich News!

Yeah that’s right. Lego’s new Prince of Persia themed collections includes one called Ostrich Race, and that’s just fine by us here at BFO Industries, Incorporated, Limited ™.

Check out the radical box:

I’m really digging the Lego scorpion over there on the left.

There are a bunch of different Prince of Persia themed Lego collections being released in anticipation of the Prince of Persia movie coming out in May. It stars Jake Gyllenhaal who’ll probably cry his way through the whole thing. I really don’t know what I have against Gyllenhaal tonight, but the idea of writing anything about him seems to be pissing me off. So let’s just leave it at that.

Man, Prince of Persia.

I don’t really care about the movie or the newer games, although I hear the Ubisoft games are pretty good. They’re probably available for the PS3 and Xbox and those other snazzy gaming consoles. But that’s just what I hear. All I know is that I used to play the olden one from olden times on my ancient 386, and it was awesome for one reason.

Because you got to fight skeletons and shit:

Thanks once again to Big Brother, i.e., Google for bringing us another fine result from our “Ostrich” news search. Thing is, there’s nothing recent about it. Ostrich 2.0 was released like 2 years ago.

But that’s us, man. Always keeping you on the bleeding edge of technology. We’re so bleeding edge, we’re haemorrhaging.

So our search came up with the Ostrich 2.0. It’s an emulator. Get it? Emu-lator? Ostrich?? We think it’s a great name.

The Ostrich 2.0 is from Moates. Since they know waaay more about this than I do, we’ll let them tell you what it is:

“This is the newest Ostrich, the 2.0 unit. It is extremely small and compact, durable, versatile, and powerful. Full 921.6k speed, from 4k (2732A) up to 512k (4mbit 29F040) and everything in between (27C128, 27C256, 27C512). Also works in conjunction with the FordEmu interface.”

Here’s the product link: http://support.moates.net/2008/09/11/ostrich-20-overview/

Anyway, watch the video for more info. The great thing about Ostrich News is never having to explain ourselves.

Hey mate! I don’t need to explain, but the only reason I’m posting the following video is because Hey Hey It’s Saturday came up in my latest Google search for ‘ostrich’.

It seems that Australia’s longest running T.V. show Hey Hey It’s Saturday will be coming back in 2010, and will be hosted by Daryl Somers who hosted it for its entire 27 year (!) run. The show ended in 1999.

But since this is BFO, we’re interested in the Ostrich News portion. Do you see Ossie Ostrich there on the left? Ossie was hugely popular in Australia. So much so, that an Ossie puppet now lives in the National Film and Sound Archive in Canberra. You can say he (or she, I have no idea) was like the Australian Big Bird or something, but with actual comedic talent. Big Bird needed a serious beatdown in an alley. Still does.

Incredibly, in all those years that Hey Hey was on, I have never heard of the show, Daryl Somers, or Ossie Ostrich. Maybe it never made it to North American airwaves. I’m glad I found this though, and through the magic of the internest, I can catch up on 27 years of off color jokes and various puppet shenanigans. Ah yes, the ’70′s. A time of comedic freedom before the politically correct militants starting breaking heads over the slightest  perceived offense.

Here’s a clip from you tube. Check out 1:41 for some hilarious masturbation jokes! Seriously, I laughed.

Addendum: The original video has been removed (thanks bastards!). So here’s a replacement clip which is so much worse than the original one but at least includes an Ossie Ostrich and Johnny Depp face-off. Enjoy. Maybe.

We recently had an actual genuine comment on my last ostrich news entry about me having an ostrich burger. It was from a mysterious reader who calls him(or her)self “you know who”, which is total bullshit, I don’t actually know anyone who would want to visit this site.

Well, dear mysterious reader, tonight I will answer all your questions via the magic of computer assisted painting.

Question 1. Can you at least tell us where you found this culinary delight or are we supposed to figure it out from the clues left uncovered by your plate on the paper placemat?

Answer 1. If you look closely, you’ll notice that the picture indeed hides secret clues as to the location I ate the burger at:

!!!!! OMFG!

*gasp* what’s that?! HOLY CRAP!!!!!!! IT’S A BURGER MITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And if you take a closer look…

You’ll notice that it’s not wearing any pants, and it has a tiny “Hi, my name is…” thingy on its mite waiter suit!

Let’s take an even CLOSER closer look!

So yeah, it was Brisket Restaurant, 1093 Cote Du Beaver Hall, downtown Montreal.

Question 2. How did you order it, rare, medium, well-done?

Answer 2. Medium

Question 3. Was it tender, dry, or just okay ?

Answer 3. It was way too dry.

Question 4. Did it taste gamey, meaty, or like chicken ?

Answer 4. It didn’t taste like chicken at all. More like Wapiti meat, very liver-y taste. I didn’t enjoy it very much.

Question5. Would you recommend the burger, the restaurant, or none of the above ?

Answer 5. I would only recommend the burger to the adventurous. I totally recommend the restaurant though, they serve burgers made of a wide variety of meats (kangaroo, boar, deer, rabbit, etc), most of them are delicious, I personally prefer the boar burger. They also have killer smoked meat sandwiches that compete with the best Montreal smoked meat places. Oh and let’s not forget their huge variety of awesome poutines. The service can take a long time on busy days and the prices are a bit high, but hey, it’s downtown Montreal, what do you expect?

So there, I hope I answered your questions in a satisfactory manner. Thank you for your interest in BFO.

Bye.

-Dan