Big Fat Ostrich

My first acoustic guitar was a Yamaha. I can’t remember the model because it was stolen during a camping trip when I was 18 or so. I was still very amateurish as a player, but I knew that it was a solid guitar. It sucked when it disappeared from our campsite and every time I play a Yamaha I remember that guitar. Pretty much every Yamaha I’ve ever played has felt like a solid piece of work.

Which is why I wonder why I’ve left this FG-75 in its pathetic state 3 stringed for so many years.

For one, it just never stayed in tune. I inherited it from an old roommate and we once tried to put strings on it. The experiment failed and we left it. Then I got busy with other guitars and it sat neglected in a corner for years.

Anyway, I have a rule: never throw out a guitar. So if I wasn’t going to ditch it, and it’s just taking up space…may as well try to fix it.

The machine heads are pretty old school. The FG-75 dates to around the mid 70′s and the machine heads come in strips of three. I picked up a set for about 12$ and amazingly, the screws aligned. Mostly.

Pretty slick, no?

This might have been the easiest tuning repair job ever. I had the new heads installed in about 10 minutes. And they look great too. The old heads were in terrible shape. You could tell just by touching them that the gears were slipping like crazy. Not surprising with 35 year old tuners. The new ones are rock solid and firm.

Yep. They look pretty good too. Ten minutes later I had the strings on. I expected the strings to go out of tune as new strings often do, but they adjusted pretty quick. In fact, this guitar really plays well and has great tone. Plus, it’s super light. Seriously, for a guitar that’s been sitting around with 3 strings for many years, there’s no sign of warping at all.

Feels like great craftsmanship. In fact, I did some quick research on the FG-75 and this guitar has been called the “perfect campfire” guitar. I can see it. For its lightness it’ll travel well.

Ok, that’s all I have to say about this. I’ve been trying to fill up this white space with guitar related text, but what else can you say about something that took 20 minutes to do.

It’s done. It’s a decent guitar. Really. It sounds great.

Finally, Dobson totally endorses this product:

YEAH!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shit like dis:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arKpdxjHamI

SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER happen. “Cliff  Blackwood is a huntah…” or “Kurt Bliffwood is a huntaaaaah”… or whoever the fuck is a huntah. NO! NO VEVO! WE’D RATHER YOU DON’T EXIST! AND IT’D BE HARDER TO GET TO THE SONGS! AND THEY’D BE IN “SUPER SHITTY RESOLUTION” INSTEAD OF “EXTRA SHITTY”. But we don’t care. And Birth Kitwood is not a huntah. Blark Thurstwood is a dude who should go to bed now. That’s right, John Engelwood, go to bed now, with your cross-eyed crosseyes. And you shitty black belt. The joke is over. It wasn’t funny in the first place. Now it’s over. Go to bed. GO! Put on a clean diaper and go. Florch Blortfegelwood. Nobody loves you no more. Blake Frenchwood.

No wait. It was Chuck Norris. STILL! I’m super angry. The U2bes aren’t what they used to be.

Fuck you, Chuck Norriswood.

-Dan

That’s right boys and girls. We’ve got video features coming so we thought “hey, let’s create a youtube channel!” And we did.

This first video is just a test. BUT WHAT AN ADORABLE TEST!!! JUST LOOK AT THOSE BIG BLUE EYES!!!!

[Dan out.]

Dan just got his brand new American Standard Fender Stratocaster, in Olympic White, no less! Of course, this called for a celebration, so we met up at Big Fat Ostrich Guitar Labs to road test it.

And take it apart.

And change the pickups.

With a glass of Campari in one hand.

And a red hot soldering iron in the other.

Yeah, life’s dangerous.

Here’s the strat.

It’s such a beautiful guitar, that we just had to take it apart. Dan had already devised a plan and ordered a set of D. Allen 69 Voodoo pickups. All we had to was remove the stock pickups and start soldering. Actually you gotta solder to first and THEN remove the pickups. But you knew what I meant, didn’t you?

Now, normally you’d remove the strings and unscrew the pickguard before starting. We were lazy and actually just loosened the strings until they were slack. Then we unscrewed the pickguard and flipped it over for the operation. It’s do-able, and we did it.

Check out that clean wiring job. It’s even got that inside of a brand new guitar smell:

It’s a pretty simple circuit. In fact, we discussed this while taking a break over a glass of sweet sweet Campari after unscrewing that pickguard and loosening the strings. The circuit and volume and tone pots haven’t changed much since they were invented and it’s fascinating just how pleasing and enduring the shape of a Stratocaster is. Just like the Telecaster, they got that sexy shape right very early on.

Ok ok. Less talk, more soldering. Here’s what our signature soldering joints look like:

1 pickup in, 2 more to go! And no, we are not leaving an extra pickup in there:

And just like that, it’s done. Look at those joints:

And that’s it! We’ll be back with some sound clips because you can’t hear shit from just looking at the pics.

When I heard a few 30 second samples from Lou Reed and Metallica‘s collaboration on Lulu, I was all ready to trash it. I even had a bunch of hilarious jokes and witty lines about how bad this 2 disc concept album is, but then I changed my mind and decided to take the high road and actually give it a shot.

So I headed over to Grooveshark, cued up all the tracks, and listened to the whole thing. All 87 minutes of it.

First off, there really are some truly awful moments. Many, actually. Lou Reed  voices the story of Lulu, a dancer who rises to fame, only to fall into despair and destitution. His style is more spoken word, and some of Reed’s poetry comes across as so horrible, you can’t help but laugh. But I wouldn’t use the word ‘horrible’, because again, it’s too easy. ‘Blunt’ is more like it.

Ok, horrible.

But there are moments. The average Metallica fan is going to be pissed that there are no rockers on this thing. The average Lou Reed fan won’t be too surprised. If you know what to expect from Lou, then you’ll know that he’s always trying to push the envelope. Often though, Lou’s voice just sounds like a weak layer on top of Metallica’s unrelenting power. Plus, when James Hetfield’s backing vocals kick in, it sounds like he has Tourette’s syndrome and everyone is too embarrassed to ask him to stop.

Oh yeah, those moments I was going to talk about. If you listen to the whole album, it kind of starts to gel on the second disc. Dragon and Junior Dad properly guide the listener to the end of the album on a wave, almost gently, on a magic carpet of noise. It does work, and by the end you feel relief. Yeah, you’re happy it’s over, but I think the relief is what Reed’tallica intended. Mostly.

Ostrich Picks:  Iced Honey (closest you’re gonna get to a ‘normal’ song), Pumping Blood (best comedy track), Junior Dad.

Ostrich Rating: Lulu gets all the beaks and all the internetz we have. They’re all yours. Take ‘em all.

Robert? ROBERT!! We gotta talk man. This is important. Robert! Focus! Here! Are you listening? Yes? Right. Ok. I just wanted to say, around 4:13 Dream, you started doing shows with 2 guitars and no keyboard. Roger was gone and all that, it’s okay, we understand.

“With guitars and effect pedals nowadays, you can do anything!” Maybe you can, but you certainly didn’t. Still, it sounded alright. Of course, Jason isn’t Boris. His tiny Jason feet will never fill those giant Boris boots. But that’s an old, tired argument. You seem to get along well with the guy, so we should just all accept the fact that he’ll be there up until the very end. (Still, his “Pictures of you” is awful, I really hope you hear it too).

I just watched a bunch of videos from “Bestival 2011″. Porl is gone. Roger is back. WHAT THE FUCK ROBERT?!? Don’t get me wrong. I love Roger as much as the next guy. But if you’re going to play in front of people, you need a proper band. 2 guitars were shitty but ok I guess. Kinda like, you were proving a point and we were happy that you were back so we didn’t say anything. But a single guitar and a keyboard? No way man. No way. I mean, let’s all take a long hard listen to this:

You sound like a bunch of kids covering the song in the drummer’s bedroom. It’s all very sad, this whole thing.

If you’re gonna stick with Jason, at least hire a second guitarist. Prty plz?

Good night Robert Smith. Good night readers.

I love the way this album starts. It’s like waking up from a Rohypnol slumber and finding yourself wedged between two amplifiers that have the reverb and tremolo turned all the way up and the instrument plugged in screaming feedback is that frying pan that you burnt supper in. Again.

That’s sort of the way David Lynch‘s debut album Crazy Clown Time sounds. And like the title suggests, there’s a carny feel to it. But not in a Tom Waits Carnival Jazz way. This feels very much like David Lynch and makes Tom Waits sound like cotton candy and rainbows.

I will say that there are some cliched moments (as cliche as Lynch can ever be) where it feels like he’s being weird for the hell of it, but there are some choice tracks. What’s her name Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs is on the first track being all orgasmic and deadly. I think it’s a great opener.

You can listen to the whole album here. For free! With the option to buy it.

My Ostrich Picks are: Pinky’s Dream, Football Game and Speed Roadster. Overall, I give Crazy Clown Time 6 Beaks and 3 Internetz, which comes out to about a 7.5 after the math. I mean the meth.

Personal note to David Lynch: I see what you did there with the album cover. Nice subliminal try, but not subliminal enough. *wink*

My trusty Ibanez. I’ve had this steel string guitar for over 20 years and the only work it’s needed has been a re-gluing of a bracing strut. Otherwise it’s been a solid standby.

Until now. Look at how the strings have hungrily eaten away at the string guide holes! I never really noticed the progression of damage until I changed strings last week. While taking off the old strings, the b string had actually become embedded in the wood of the guide hole.

Here’s a closer look. Shit that looks bad, and I probably shouldn’t have put the new strings on but hey, a couple of weeks couldn’t possibly make it any worse. Could it? I think it’s time to make an appointment with my local Luthier.