I'm German. Therefore I'm evil
All I have to say about the South Park premiere is well, I don’t know what to say! Sure, last years Human Centipede was probably the most revolting horror movie I never saw. A crazy German doctor (of course he’s German!) surgically attaches three unwilling subjects in the most horrific way possible, turning them into a human centipede! His divine creation! Horribleness ensues.
South Park’s premiere has Steve Jobs in the role of crazy German doctor guy making Kyle the middle segment of his most nefarious Apple product yet: The Human CentiPad! It’s horrible, awful, and intestinally hilarious. You should probably just go watch it now or else I’ll just talk about the whole thing and make the recap even worse than this review.
Whatever. Here, let me ruin some of it for you:
The Ultimate in Bad Taste? You Decide.
I cannot believe how anyone could ever expect Tron: Legacy to be even remotely good. First of all, it’s a sequel, so STRIKE ONE. And secondly, it’s in Three Dee, which already tells me that more effort was put into the effects than the script. I will not even bother elaborating on that point since it should be obvious enough to anyone who breathes.
Ok, let me give it to you straight. I haven’t seen this crap movie because seriously, who needs to? I already gave my $14 to see Avatar (THE most overrated turd on the silver screen ever) and will not make the same mistake with Tron. No way. With Avatar you had these 3D blue feces aliens running around spouting shallow self-righteous vomit all over the screen. Tron will be exactly the same, except the shit will be glowing and all neon.
Tron: Legacy is going to be about as good as Tron-Guy looks in his stupid Tron costume. It’s not cute. It’s not kitschy. It’s revolting and horrific!
That’s right. You’re going to feel like your eyes and brain were raped by a fat guy in spandex. Trust me on this one. Tron is going to be an insult to neon feces. And no, it will not make you feel any better about wasting your money on Avatar. So fuck Tron.
And screw you too, Tron Guy!
Over the last couple of weeks, this idea has been running around my head: I want to learn how to ride a motorcycle. I mean, I’ve always wanted to, just that I never learned how.
Anyway, Since I was on call this weekend, I figured I’d rent a couple of movies. Easy Rider came to mind since I never saw the whole thing, and it’s basically known as THE bike movie. Then what happens the next day? Dennis Hopper dies! I swear it happened just like that. My mind exploded from the sheer coincidence.
So I watched it, and it was completely enjoyable, if not bittersweet. Sometimes when you watch a movie like this, especially something from that period (1969), you have to remind yourself of the era and the context, and how it may have been perceived at the time. So yeah, it was nothing if not groundbreaking what with the portrayal of coke and the “marijuana” and them all dropping acid in New Orleans. I’m not going to go into the whole death of the ’60′s analogy and all that because it’s been done a zillion times. Let’s just say that it was worth watching.
Oh yeah, the documentary on the DVD made an interesting observation about the romanticism of riding a chopper across the country. As Peter Fonda and one of the producers said, you’d have to be nuts to try it. Riding in that gorilla position for too long is incredibly painful. Peter Fonda lamented on not being able to move his arms for days.
P.S. RIP Dennis.
From the dude who gave you “Titanic”. Here comes a tale of Ewoks and wheelchairs. And magical braids and blue assholes who attack helicopters with bows and arrows, EVEN THOUGH THEY SPEAK PASSABLE ENGLISH.
That’s right folks. After months and months of resistance, I finally gave in and watched Avatar. And guess what, I was right, didn’t even have to watch it! It tries very hard, and it fucking fails. This is not a review. I just wanted to say, fuck Avatar. Mel Gibson wins in the end, I mean, Aragorn, after his freedom speech. And the bad Europeans are driven away by the powers of mother nature, just like in Dances with Wolves, or was it last of the Mohicans? No no, the Postman.
Try to give us acceptable CG next time, like in Transformers. And fuck the “toilet paper tree”.
- Dan
I could. So I rented Defiance (2008) starring Daniel Craig and a bunch of other dudes.
This time it’s in Nazi occupied Eastern Europe focusing on the The Bielski partisans played by Craig and Liev Schreiber. They hideout in the Belarusian forests where they build a survivalist camp, saving many lives. They also hook up with the Russian resistance.
My impression: It’s exactly like Inglourious Basterds, except without the scalping, the fantasy WWII history rewrite, Brad Pitt, the comedy, Tarantino’s “hip” soundtrack, the French dialogue, urban Nazis, and a hilarious Hitler.
Otherwise, it’s the same movie. Check it out.
Welcome to another edition of Unintelligible Wednesdays, where I try to post something when I have no energy to do so.
I did see Watchmen finally, and it was awesome. Really it was. The only thing about writing a review for Unintelligible Wednesdays, and about such a great movie, is that I risk destroying the spirit of it with a crappy review.
So I’ll review JCVD instead!
JCVD stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, ex-fighter extraordinaire, action hero, and all around great guy. He plays himself as a washed-up action hero, stuck with half-assed roles in half-assed movies. In JCVD, he’s still fighting, but for custody of his daughter! As the box says, it’s “The Biggest Fight Of His Life!”.
It was actually pretty good. The film takes place in his native Belgium where he’s treated as a hero. The locals adore him, a native (and famous!) Belgian son. But then, he gets caught up in a small time robbery, and hey, washed up actors need cash to maintain that Hollywood lifestyle. Is he guilty? Did he do it? Watch and see.
I gave it 7 Internetz on 10
These are some exciting times here at BFO. I was going to post something from our new contributor, Radiation Juan, but his latest post needs some editing and censoring (that sick freak). In the meantime, I’ll tell you about Inglourious Basterds, which I saw last night with some friends.
So I’ll tell you straight away: After a full day to think about it, this movie didn’t do very much for me. Yes, it’s a fantasy about getting even with the Nazis. It’s Tarantino, and it’s got a great cast. Great things going for it, wouldn’t you say?
Yeah, I thought so too. In the end, it just felt like a half-hearted exercise. Sure, the evil of the Nazis is hard to match unless they’re also zombies (It’s been done), and we sure like seeing them lose.
But the whole movie just didn’t flow. I hate Nazis as much as the next guy except I just couldn’t get past the idea that these dudes (led by Brad Pitt) are just waltzing around behind enemy lines whacking Nazis and taking their scalps as war booty. I know, I know. It’s a Nazi killing fantasy. We’re supposed to suspend belief for awhile. Still, aside from a few standouts (the main Nazi guy and Brad Pitt with his over-thick southern accent), I felt that the script could have been written by a first year film student (high school).
I’ll give it 6 internetz on 10.
Anyway, I’m going to watch Watchmen now. I’ll let you know how that turns out.
m.
I finally saw District 9 today and I have to say that I was completely pleased with the plot, acting and overall look of the film. The director avoided the sparkling Hollywood sheen in favour of a dirtier look while making good use of the hand-held camera. No doubt it’s not a Hollywood flick. This is a South African production which pulls plenty into its plot from its own unstable past (present).
I’d love to go ahead and spoil the movie here (come on, you must know what it’s about by now), but I’m just not that kind of reviewer. Let’s just say that District 9 is kind of like Independence Day, Cry Freedom, Iron Man, and Robocop all rolled into one (without the crappy over-the-top attitude of Independence Day). The aliens are awesome in their streamlined cthuluesque way. The acting is tight and the faux doc style is believable. I fully bought into it. Go see it.
m.
