Big Fat Ostrich

This week’s Household Deathmatch Double Extreme is a fight to the death for comfort supremacy between my duvet and my old comforter! Both are bitter enemies and have been so ever since that incident back at the manufacturing sweat shop. Finally, they meet again, this time in a public arena. Only one can emerge victorious.

The Matchup:

Attributes:

Weaknesses:

The Battle:

The Duvet opens up to its full size and mocks the Comforter, beckoning it closer. The Comforter gives the Duvet the finger and gets a warning from the referee. They meet at center ring and the Duvet makes an attempt at covering the Comforter but the Comforter is fast and twists away, spreading fluff in the Duvet’s eyes. The Duvet calls for time out, but suddenly realizes that there’s no time out in Household Deathmatches. The Comforter takes advantage and tries to cover the Duvet. The Duvet recoils at the Comforter’s awful smell, and the Comforter advances closer. In a brilliant move, The Duvet climbs the ropes and reverse body slams the Comforter! It doesn’t have to smell the Comforter this way! But the Comforter squeezes out from beneath the Duvet and crawls towards its corner, followed by the Duvet. The Comforter throws its corner bucket on the Duvet! The Duvet is soaked and is now collapsing under its waterlogged weight! It…it..it falls on the Comforter! The Comforter can’t breathe! It’s trying to get out! 9….8….7…it too is soaking wet now, but feels comfy and starts to doze! …4…3…2…1! And the Duvet has won the match!

The Conclusion:

The Comforter’s desperate attempt at disposing of the Duvet set the stage for its own demise.

Match time:

3 minutes.

Tonight for the Double Extreme Household Pro Plus Match thing, we’re having, in the left corner, a pube (don’t ask me how I obtained it) and in the right corner, an almost empty glass of brandy. I already know who will emerge victorious, but let’s still look at the stats just for the fuck of it.

The Matchup:

Attributes:

Weaknesses:

The Battle:

The pube dodges a couple of heavy attacks by the glass of brandy but is ultimately beaten by the river of alcoholic beverage pouring through the glasse’s head. The fight is very short and ends sadly with a piss drunk pube trying to sing a Pogues song on the edge of the table, and then falling off. The glass of brandy wins hands down, but is left feeling empty.

The Conclusion:

Glass of Brandy totally dominated this one. A pube should never ever get into a fight.

Match time:

8 seconds

Tonight’s Household Deathmatch Double extreme: Human vs Plum. Who will emerge victorious in this challenge to satiate hunger and/or survive?

The Matchup:

Attributes

Weaknesses

The Battle
The Human knows where to find The Plum: in the fridge. The Plum is a sitting duck. The Human lands a right and grabs The Plum. The Plum is defenseless as The Human guides it towards it’s incisors! It tries to take a bite but the skin it tough. The Plum resists, but gives in to The Humans second attempt. Surprise attack! The Plum drips all over the humans hands! How disgusting! The human is surprised but thinks quickly and grabs a towel and rotates the plum while coming in for another attack! Combo move! The Human repeats without mercy until The Plum is decimated, its pit discarded in the trash.

The Outcome
No contest. The Plum was eaten by The Human and never landed one punch. Not one!

Match Time
43 seconds