Big Fat Ostrich

We had fajitas last night so we were left with a bunch of cheese, salsa and sour cream. Here’s how I incorporated them in my standard omelet recipe to create one of the tastiest culinary wonders to ever come out of my 2 square foot kitchen!

Omelets are fun and easy to make if you got the right tools, namely a good anti-adhesive frying pan and a stock pot lid.

Ingredients you will need:

- 1 onion

- A bunch of mushrooms

- Some salsa

- Some sliced up hot peppers

- 6 eggs

- Milk

- Butter

- Tabasco

- Baseball mustard

- Salt

- Pepper

- Grated brick cheese

Preparation:

Chop the onions, the peppers and the mushrooms to the size you prefer. I like big chunks but hey, everybody’s different. Put the frying pan on medium fire, put enough butter in it so that there’ll be some left when you add the eggs later. Put your veggies in there and stir fry them for 10 minutes.

While that’s going on, put 6 eggs in a bowl, a cloud of milk, a bit of tabasco, a bit of cheap bright yellow mustard (that we lovingly call “baseball mustard”), but be very careful not to overdo it. Just a light squeeze of the bottle, 2 at the most. Add salt and pepper (more pepper, less salt). Whisk vigorously until the stuff is kinda consistent.

When your stir frying is done, add salsa to the frying pan(3-4 tablespoons of it). Wait another 4-5 minutes.

Then add the eggs mixture, stir to make the thing even, add the grated cheese on top and reduce the fire to 2. Let it go like that for 2-3 minutes, then cover with a pot lid and wait another 5 minutes. It should look like this (yeah, the cooking process somehow gets rid of half of it, it’s MAGIC!):

Serve with a mountain of sour cream and enjoy!

Holy fuck, whenever it’s too cold to go outside, I have to invent new dishes from all the shit left in the fridge, because, fuck going outside right?

So for this one, all you need is:

- 3 slices of bacon
– A hamburger patty
– 2 toasted pieces of white bread
– Baseball mustard
– Mayo
– Super spicy salsa
– One (1) Kraft Single

So, you put the bacon in a frying pan. When it’s sizzling, you put the patty in so it cooks in the bacon grease.

While all that’s going on, put the bread in the toaster. When the patty is almost ready, leave it in the frying pan, turn the fire off and put the Kraft Single on top of it. When the toasts come out put mayo on a slice and mustard on the other. Put bacon on each of them. Then put the patty with the cheese in between and pour some salsa on it. Cut the thing in half and enjoy!

Here’s what it looks like:

That’s right boys and girls. We’ve got video features coming so we thought “hey, let’s create a youtube channel!” And we did.

This first video is just a test. BUT WHAT AN ADORABLE TEST!!! JUST LOOK AT THOSE BIG BLUE EYES!!!!

[Dan out.]

Just when you thought things couldn’t get crazier in my kitchen… THEY DID! I just invented the “pout-caroni and cheese-tine”. It all started because I felt like having a homemade poutine but I didn’t have the right kind of cheese and was too lazy to go get some at the store. “Well” I thought “I still have Kraft singles… wait a minute… I ALSO HAVE PASTA!!!” The rest is history.

So, let’s start with the first half of this recipe, my homemade mac and cheese:

Pick any type of pasta. Short ones are better.

When they’re ready, add 3 Kraft Singles, some butter and some milk. Stir until it looks like mac and cheese.

Now on to the second half of this culinary wonder:

Put frozen fries in the oven. When they’re ready, add them to the mac and cheese. Then pour hot poutine sauce over the whole thing. Mix until it looks like diarhea.

Then put the mix in a rectangular thing that goes in the oven (like for meatloaf). Add some pepper and put it back in the oven for 20 minutes at around 425 C. Let it cool a bit afterwards.

That’s it! You’re done! Doesn’t it look like totally legit food? I’m afraid it does!

Bye guys. Oh and if I don’t come back till next year, happy holidays!

******UPDATE******

I’ve been receiving hundreds of thousands of BILLIONS OF DOZENS OF MILLIONS of emails asking me “But Dan, what does it taste like?” I invite you all to check out the comments section for a detailed answer.

Really? High guitar, moustache, whiny voice?! REALLY?!

Robert? ROBERT!! We gotta talk man. This is important. Robert! Focus! Here! Are you listening? Yes? Right. Ok. I just wanted to say, around 4:13 Dream, you started doing shows with 2 guitars and no keyboard. Roger was gone and all that, it’s okay, we understand.

“With guitars and effect pedals nowadays, you can do anything!” Maybe you can, but you certainly didn’t. Still, it sounded alright. Of course, Jason isn’t Boris. His tiny Jason feet will never fill those giant Boris boots. But that’s an old, tired argument. You seem to get along well with the guy, so we should just all accept the fact that he’ll be there up until the very end. (Still, his “Pictures of you” is awful, I really hope you hear it too).

I just watched a bunch of videos from “Bestival 2011″. Porl is gone. Roger is back. WHAT THE FUCK ROBERT?!? Don’t get me wrong. I love Roger as much as the next guy. But if you’re going to play in front of people, you need a proper band. 2 guitars were shitty but ok I guess. Kinda like, you were proving a point and we were happy that you were back so we didn’t say anything. But a single guitar and a keyboard? No way man. No way. I mean, let’s all take a long hard listen to this:

You sound like a bunch of kids covering the song in the drummer’s bedroom. It’s all very sad, this whole thing.

If you’re gonna stick with Jason, at least hire a second guitarist. Prty plz?

Good night Robert Smith. Good night readers.

Hello everyone.

Yeah, I’m still alive. More alive than ever actually. And I got a shitload of things to talk about. Starting with Android. I’ve been a happy iOS/Mac OS user for quite some time now. 4 years or so? Anyway. What I always loved about my iPhone and my Macbook is the elegance, reliability and simplicity of the whole deal. I’ve been working in IT for more than a decade now, forced to implement, support and use shitty, out of date software every single day. Let’s just say, the appeal of recompiling my Gentoo kernel has faded a little at this point. I’m still a geek but I really really appreciate the Apple way of doing things. You know, when you just get used to doing stuff in the apps, completely oblivious to the OS because it’s so fuckin tight and out of the way.

Up until a couple of months ago, I was the happiest camper on the campground. But then I got bored. There I said it; perfection is boring. So I bought me an Android handset and decided to spend a whole month with it. “If it doesn’t pass the test” I said to myself, “I’ll sell it or make it my Android iPod touch or something”. After all, my iPhone was still right there, ready to be reactivated.

After a couple of weeks, I almost wrote a very negative review about it (lack of polish, crashes, shitty audio quality during calls, etc). THEN I DISCOVERED NES AND SNES EMULATORS AND SIXAXIS CONTROLLER SOFTWARE!!! That’s right, my LG Optimus 2X has an HDMI port so I can connect it to the TV and play all my favorite NES and SNES games using my PS3 controller via blue tooth. I also found fixes for microphone shitty performance during calls and an SMS app that lets me draw penises and send them to Mike, just like in the old days with MSN messenger. I also ordered better batteries (2 of them, since they were only 14 bucks each). They’re like 1800 mah instead of only 1500. That’s 300 more mah!! I don’t have the slightest idea of what a “mah” is and how much longer my battery will last with 300 more of them. But I don’t give a fuck. NES GAMES! ON MY TV! WITH MY PS3 CONTROLLER! AND SMS PENISES!!!

So yeah. My conclusion is: Android is not quite there yet but the possibilities and freedom it offers make up for it. Also, the LG Optimus 2X is a stunning piece of hardware. The HDMI port and Gorilla Glass are awesome. I also love the fact that I can upgrade the battery and storage memory (micro SD) up to 32 GB.

OK, now, on another topic, the Smashing Pumpkins are back. These past years, Billy Corgan had kind of, lost his way. And I guess someone told him. And he fuckin listened. Their actual tour kicks ass. The new drummer is a machine. The other 2 are also very good (the new bassist is not Melissa Auf Der Maur, but she totally rocks in her very own way),  most of all, they sound and feel like a band again. Billy seems to be enjoying himself, he’s all fat n bald now but he plays the shit out of that signature strat of his. And as a long time fan, I couldn’t be happier.

Dark Souls is like Demon’s Souls except more beautiful and with more complex maps and better AI, bent on destroying the shit out of you. Even though I hate it with all my heart, it definitely is my game of the year.

I started training at a crossfit place. Every single time feels like I’m getting a solid beating in an alley. And for some reason, I want more. Seriously, those guys are fucking awesome.

Other than training in a place where they hurt me, I’ve also been trying to eat healthier. And after years of reading about different healthy options and theories, this is pretty much the least shitty I could find on the nets. Thanks Mark.

On a less healthy note, I baked awesome apple muffins last weekend and I am totally gonna share the recipe with you guys… BUT IN A DIFFERENT POST! Because this is way too long. So stay tuned. Stay healthy. Stay fit. Keep listening to good music. And keep using Android. (see what I did here?!?!)

LAT0RZ

-D

When it fucking snaps:

Ok, so I decided to replace it myself because the dudes at ye olde bike shoppe said that it wouldn’t be fixed before 7pm, which is too damn late for me! It’s actually super easy to replace bike gear cables. The hard part is making the adjustments so that your gears change smoothly, so I won’t be telling you anything about that.

First, get yourself a cable. This baby set me back $2.72. Ouch.

See those two prominent screws? You’ll want to unscrew them. Maybe you don’t have the same braking/gear system as I do, but for these Shimano‘s those screws are your gateway to the innards.

There. See the cable head? Snapped just as we expected to see.

The easy part: Feed the new cable through the guide holes. You really cannot miss. Don’t forget to guide the cable through the cable sheath as well.

Now guide the cable through the rest of the guide holes until you’re at the rear wheel. Again, it’s impossible to miss if you pay attention. Guide the cable through the sheath, attach it (you’ll need an Allen Key), and adjust as needed. It’s a good idea to flip your bike upside down at this point and test that you can actually shift gears while the wheels are spinning. You’ll determine just how much slack the cable needs this way. And that’s it! Now go put your bike away until next summer.