Big Fat Ostrich

We had fajitas last night so we were left with a bunch of cheese, salsa and sour cream. Here’s how I incorporated them in my standard omelet recipe to create one of the tastiest culinary wonders to ever come out of my 2 square foot kitchen!

Omelets are fun and easy to make if you got the right tools, namely a good anti-adhesive frying pan and a stock pot lid.

Ingredients you will need:

- 1 onion

- A bunch of mushrooms

- Some salsa

- Some sliced up hot peppers

- 6 eggs

- Milk

- Butter

- Tabasco

- Baseball mustard

- Salt

- Pepper

- Grated brick cheese

Preparation:

Chop the onions, the peppers and the mushrooms to the size you prefer. I like big chunks but hey, everybody’s different. Put the frying pan on medium fire, put enough butter in it so that there’ll be some left when you add the eggs later. Put your veggies in there and stir fry them for 10 minutes.

While that’s going on, put 6 eggs in a bowl, a cloud of milk, a bit of tabasco, a bit of cheap bright yellow mustard (that we lovingly call “baseball mustard”), but be very careful not to overdo it. Just a light squeeze of the bottle, 2 at the most. Add salt and pepper (more pepper, less salt). Whisk vigorously until the stuff is kinda consistent.

When your stir frying is done, add salsa to the frying pan(3-4 tablespoons of it). Wait another 4-5 minutes.

Then add the eggs mixture, stir to make the thing even, add the grated cheese on top and reduce the fire to 2. Let it go like that for 2-3 minutes, then cover with a pot lid and wait another 5 minutes. It should look like this (yeah, the cooking process somehow gets rid of half of it, it’s MAGIC!):

Serve with a mountain of sour cream and enjoy!

Holy fuck, whenever it’s too cold to go outside, I have to invent new dishes from all the shit left in the fridge, because, fuck going outside right?

So for this one, all you need is:

- 3 slices of bacon
– A hamburger patty
– 2 toasted pieces of white bread
– Baseball mustard
– Mayo
– Super spicy salsa
– One (1) Kraft Single

So, you put the bacon in a frying pan. When it’s sizzling, you put the patty in so it cooks in the bacon grease.

While all that’s going on, put the bread in the toaster. When the patty is almost ready, leave it in the frying pan, turn the fire off and put the Kraft Single on top of it. When the toasts come out put mayo on a slice and mustard on the other. Put bacon on each of them. Then put the patty with the cheese in between and pour some salsa on it. Cut the thing in half and enjoy!

Here’s what it looks like:

Just when you thought things couldn’t get crazier in my kitchen… THEY DID! I just invented the “pout-caroni and cheese-tine”. It all started because I felt like having a homemade poutine but I didn’t have the right kind of cheese and was too lazy to go get some at the store. “Well” I thought “I still have Kraft singles… wait a minute… I ALSO HAVE PASTA!!!” The rest is history.

So, let’s start with the first half of this recipe, my homemade mac and cheese:

Pick any type of pasta. Short ones are better.

When they’re ready, add 3 Kraft Singles, some butter and some milk. Stir until it looks like mac and cheese.

Now on to the second half of this culinary wonder:

Put frozen fries in the oven. When they’re ready, add them to the mac and cheese. Then pour hot poutine sauce over the whole thing. Mix until it looks like diarhea.

Then put the mix in a rectangular thing that goes in the oven (like for meatloaf). Add some pepper and put it back in the oven for 20 minutes at around 425 C. Let it cool a bit afterwards.

That’s it! You’re done! Doesn’t it look like totally legit food? I’m afraid it does!

Bye guys. Oh and if I don’t come back till next year, happy holidays!

******UPDATE******

I’ve been receiving hundreds of thousands of BILLIONS OF DOZENS OF MILLIONS of emails asking me “But Dan, what does it taste like?” I invite you all to check out the comments section for a detailed answer.

I had a stalk of celery slacking off in the fridge so I figured I better use it before it got all rubbery and disgusting. Well, soup was the answer!

I made up the recipe, so here’s what I threw in the pot:

1 tablespoon of butter
4-5 cloves of garlic (crushed)
1 stalk of celery (yeah, use the whole thing)
3 fist fulls of potatoes (cut and peeled or not. Your choice!)
1 yellow bell pepper (for fun)

On medium, heat the butter and garlic. Throw in the celery. All of it. Cook it for a bit until it starts getting all steamy and then throw in like, 4 cups of water. Maybe more. You get to gauge it because I don’t remember. Use your intuition and think of it as a challenge! Then toss in the potatoes and boil the whole thing until it’s soft enough to blend. Because you WILL be blending it at the end.

It’ll look like this. I forgot to take a picture so I reproduced it though the power of Gimp. Yes, the sun represents potatoes. Behold….Universe Soup! (pre-cooked)

Stir and stir and grind some fresh black pepper into the mix. Throw in some salt if you want to bring up the cholesterol or however that works.

Finally, add about a half teaspoon of ground cumin. This is the key. Not too much, not too little.

Keep on boiling for x amount of time. Are the potatoes soft now? Good. Turn off the heat and blend it in a blender (duh). You might have to do it in batches. That’s ok.

The cumin is what gives it that golden universe hue!

And that’s it! You’ve just made some delicious Celery Potato Universe Soup ™:

If you’re willing to suffer a bit, this is the best sandwich you’ll eat all summer!

Ingredients:

- A whole lobster (I got a frozen one because the “fresh” ones looked rotten)

- One big radish

- A half sweet red pepper

- A half branch of celery

- A quarter of an apple

- Some lettuce

- Mayonnaise

- Cream cheese

- Your favorite multigrain bread

First, crack open every part of that bastard lobster in order to extract the sweet sweet flesh from it. If, like me, you had to buy a frozen one because the fresh ones didn’t look so fresh, best way to un-freeze it is to boil water in a big pot and just when it’s ready to explode, turn off the stove. Put the lobster in the water for a good 10 minutes. That should do the trick.

Cut everything real small, mix with mayo until you get a nice spreadable texture. Add some cream cheese to the mix to taste. Spread on a thick slice of bread, cover with second slice of bread. Cut in the middle. Serve. Get nipple hardening culinary experience right then and there.

Perfect with a salad made of the rest of those poor veggies and a big glass of homemade iced tea.

Cheers!

– Dan

Boy oh boy have I got a cool new recipe for you guys. Oh of course it’s about as healthy as triple deep fried beer battered butter with fudge chunks and peanuts. And it probably explains why I won’t fit in any of my pairs of jeans within the next few weeks. But hey, it’s worth it.

I’m pretty sure this one is totally new and original. I’m damn proud of it. Also I’m trying to fill the white space to the right of the picture, as usual. Yup…. yup yup yup…

Pretty cool weather we got this weekend huh? So did you watch the game? I sure didn’t.

ARE YOU READY FOR DBHPTRDC GOODNESS?!?!?! Aaaaaalright, here we go!

Ingredients:

- A pound of ground beef (or veal, or pork)

- Sliced and pickled hot peppers (the kind we use in burgers)

- 5 bacon strips

- 2 onions

- A tablespoon of powdered chicken broth

- Some garlic

- 3/4 cup basmati rice

- Olive oil

- Black pepper

Preparation:

Dice the onions, cut the bacon into small chunks, mince the garlic. Pour some olive oil in a frying pan that’s been sitting on the oven for 5 minutes at medium-high temperature. Add the onions, garlic, beef and bacon, cover.

Fill a large saucepan full of water. Cover it and wait till it’s boiling, then bring the fire to medium-high and add the rice. The trick is to treat the rice as if it was pasta. So I guess it means 10-15 minutes…

Back to the meat. After 5 minutes, remove the cover and add the hot peppers, the chicken broth and the black pepper. Stir fry “those bad boys” as they say on the cooking channel. When the rice is ready, just throw the water away and add the rice to the rest. Raise the heat to maximum, stir some more. When the liquid’s almost all gone, stop stirring. That’s where the magic happens. Wait for 2-3 minutes, until a nice golden crust forms at the bottom. It should give a nice balance of crispy and smooth.

Serve with crappy commercial beer or something.

That’s it for now. I’m going back to my endless search for decent poker games to play on a portable console. ANY portable console will do at this point. If I find something, I’ll keep you guys posted.

‘Til next time,

- Dan

What a day!

I spent 8 hours fixing the ‘ternets! 8 goddamn hours. With like, 30 minutes for lunch. They even removed my shackles just long enough so that I could go to the bathroom. In the bucket next to my desk!

But I survived. Yes I did.

On my way home, I plotted my victory dinner: I’d throw some cheese tortellini into a pot of boiling water. In a small saucepan, I’d cook up a light tomato sauce, with fennel seeds and dill. A bit of garlic too, with slices of yesterdays shallots. Yes, I deserved this. I’d eat my dinner like a king. With a beer. While watching Lost.

Except I was out of goddamn tortellini!! And tomatoes!

God. How could I be so stupid? Thinking that the freezer was chock full ‘o delectable cheese-filled-tortellini shaped tortellinis. What an idiot  I was. And the water was already on the boil! What was I to do?

I had to think fast.

I checked the time: 8:50pm. Lost would be starting soon and I needed to eat. No, prunes and sour cream would not suffice. Not this time!

I looked in the pantry. Half a bag of Rotini! I threw it in the pot. But dammit…no time for sauce. No time!

Then it hit me.

Tuna. A can of tuna was definitely going in the pasta. In fact, the pasta was ready. A little Al dente, but ready. The after boil will take care of it.

I strained out the pasta, threw in the tuna. Will fennel work? It goddamn better, so I took the chance of my life. I mixed in the fennel and the dill, but it was all too dry, so I went fucking crazy.

I added a teaspoon of mayonnaise. And you know what?

It worked.

I was totally starving, but it was perfectly edible, filling, and flavorful. Do not ever underestimate the power of fennel and dill.

Ever.

You’re sad. Maybe just bored. You know you want more from life but you don’t know where to get it. Well until you do, I have this croque-monsieur recipe that I developed myself. I call it a “saturday morninger” because they’re too elaborate to make during the week, unless you’re unemployed. I’ll add some elements of l33t sp34k to the text to keep things edgy and cyberspace-y. Oh by the way, my hamster from Hamsterz 2 is not dead yet. It hasn’t eaten in months yet it keeps running in its wheel. Wouldn’t it be awesome if your hamster died when you don’t log into the game for a long time, and it would simulate accurate decay of the corpse. WOULDN’T IT BE?!?!

Okay here we go…

Ingredientz:

- Black forest ham and sundried tomatoes turkey breast (or any other cold cut you like, but don’t stray too far from those 2 because then you fuck up the recipe!) The thinner the better.

- Butter or margarine

- Sub bread or french baguette

- Garlic powder or minced fresh garlic

- 1 tomato

- Baby spinach

- A cheese of some sort. Havarti works well, swiss is ok, old cheddar or Oka are great choices too.

- Grated parmesan

- Ground black pepper

- Fine herbs (the kind you use for salads, Clubhouse has a great mix of those)

Pr3par4ti0nz:

1. Cut the breads in half. Butter each half. Put some meat on them. Add the baby spinach, the cheese and the garlic powder/fresh garlic, the fine herbz and the pepper. Oh and the grated parmesan.

2. Preheat oven to 375-400 (depending on the age and quality of your oven) and put the croque-monsieurs on a piece of foil or a baking sheet.

3. Put the things in the oven already!

4. Wait for 20-30 minutes. The goal is to melt the cheese but keep the bread somewhat soft.

5. You can put the oven to broil for a bit before taking the croque-monsieurs out.

6. Dice the tomato and put some on top of each croque-monsieur.

7. Add some mayo on top of everything. I haven’t figured a way to do this elegantly and cleanly yet, but a spoon works fine. No need to add too much, the same amount you’d use in a sandwich is OK. Some more ground pepper and even a tiny bit of salt can’t hurt.

8. Enjoy with a knife and fork or with your bare hands. Have a bunch of napkins handy, you’ll need em.

There you go.

Later everyone!

- D