Big Fat Ostrich

Hey everyone, Dr. Dobson is back and boy am I pissed!

Now don”t get me wrong. I love the rain. Some days, I just want to walk in it and let it soak me, especially on a warm day. But as a Doctor, I need to keep up appearances too, which is where the umbrella comes in. The problem is, I’m also a cheap bastard and you know, when you’re a cheap fuck like me, that attitude sometimes comes back to bite you on the ass that you’ve been sitting on while you write out prescriptions for sweet sweet Valium and codeine.

It was a few weeks ago when, as winter’s claws were just about to lose their grip, I woke up to one of those days where it rains, then snows, then sleets, then who the hell knew what was next. I had an important meeting and I needed an umbrella to protect “the look”. I couldn’t walk in there looking like one of my patients you know, with last years leaves and acid rain in my coif.

I put off buying an umbrella all winter because, who the hell needs one in the snow? And besides, the one I had was ‘stolen’ by my colleague who was ‘just going out for a smoke’ and then never returned. I mean that. He never returned as in, we never saw him again. Whatever. He was a crackpot and I got his office, which was way better than mine after I had it fumigated.

Anyway, I head over to the local pharmacy and I find a nice classy black one for $9.99. No way in hell am I spending $30 on one with a wood handle. I may be pretentious, but I don’t need to tattoo it on my forehead, you know? God, you’d think you’d get a drug store discount being a doctor and all, but no you don’t. Seems you need ‘integrity’ or some shit.

As it happens, my trusty umbrella is compact, versatile and yes, it keeps me dry. It’s pretty good in fact, and it served me wonderfully for about 1 fucking month! That’s it. Thing self destructed for no reason, no warning, and it happened INDOORS! I would be a little less pissed if it happened in a windstorm, because no umbrella can handle gale force winds no matter how well made they are.

I was out there having  a stroll on a nice spring morning. I had just taken a shower and didn’t want another one, so I brought Snappy along. I was getting a feel for this umbrella and named it as such for the way it would snap right open on a dime. Hitting the trigger felt  like cocking my pistol for instant protection from the disgusting fluid dripping from the sky that day. When I returned home however, I noticed that Snappy the umbrella would not click shut when I folded it.

Once inside, I inspected the main spine, which had dislodged somehow from the center hole. I try, ever so gently to guide it back in when suddenly BANG, the whole thing pops apart and I’m surrounded by the tinny sounds of almost every spoke tinkling to the floor. And there I am left holding what looks to be a dead bat on a leash. Like some jerk.

Sad to say, the rain continued for another two days, so I was forced to shell out another $9.99 for a new one.

Dobson, M.D.

Hey all you freaks! Are you ready for a workout? You better be, cause I’m here to give you some excellent tips which you can apply to a great 20 minute workout. Alright. Throw on last years 5 sizes too small shorts and let’s go!

Before we start, I suggest a 12 minute warmup. You can easily get the heart going by jogging around your apartment, or running over to the place where you plan to do your workout. You can shake out your arms and do light rotations while you run as this will help circulate the blood flow.

Level 1

Situps
If you haven’t done situps for awhile, they suck but they’re highly beneficial. Like every exercise, there’s a right and wrong way to do them, so form is everything. You want to raise yourself using your abdominals, without using your legs or your back. So get someone to hold your lower legs in place. I do situps whenever I can. Last year I was in a car accident and a truck pinned my legs. Instead of freaking out, I did some situps until help came! Like I say, always keep a positive outlook!

Set 1 – 15 reps
Set 2 – 12 reps
Set 3 – 10 reps

Skill Level – medium
Mana needed 50
Experience gained + 500
Area worked – lower abs

Plank (variation a)
The Plank is like half a pushup in the up position. It’s easy. Keep your back straight and don’t bend in the middle like a banana. Hold the position for decreasing intervals.

Set 1 – 30 seconds
Set 2 – 20 seconds
Set 3 – 15 seconds

Skill Level – easy
Mana needed 20
Experience gained + 1000
Area worked – triceps, core

Plank (variation b)
Start off in Plank variation a, keeping your elbows close to the body, lower down about half way. Hold the position for decreasing intervals.

Set 1 – 20 seconds
Set 2 – 15 seconds
Set 3 – 12 seconds

Skill Level – medium
Mana needed 30
Experience gained + 2000
Area worked – triceps, core

Plank (variation c)
Start off by lying on your stomach.  Clasp your hands together so that you’re resting on your forearms. You should be looking down at your clasped hands, not directly ahead as this can cause injury to your neck.  Keep your back straight and even with your pelvis and hold this position for:

Set 1 – 25 seconds
Set 2 – 20 seconds
Set 3 – 15 seconds

Skill Level – hard
Mana needed 60
Experience gained + 4000
Area worked – core, core, core!

Pushups
For best results, do them slowly and evenly. It’s harder to do, but it helps you to pay attention to the movement while reducing the chance of injury. You’re only racing against yourself, and the winner will be you, everytime! (Yes, that was a cheesy thing to say, but it’s the truth)

Set 1 – 10 reps
Set 2 -  8 reps
Set 3 -  6 reps

Skill Level – medium
Mana needed 50
Experience gained + 10,000
Area worked – pecs, biceps, core

Tricep Pushups
Sit on the floor with your legs bent up in front of you. With your hands flat on the floor by your hips, push yourself up. Repeat until your triceps are begging to do anything to make it stop, oh god, please make it stop. Trust me, your triceps will be happy.

Set 1 – 20 reps
Set 2 – 15 reps
Set 3 – 12 reps

Skill Level – medium
Mana needed 50
Experience gained + 50,000
Area worked – triceps

Squats
Stand with your legs apart a little wider than shoulder width, squat down as low as you can and come back up. Do this slowwwwwly. When you do this, pay attention to your knees and keeping your weight equalized between them. You don’t want to be off balance which can easily cause injury.

Set 1 – 12 reps
Set 2 -  9 reps
Set 3 -  7 reps

Skill Level – easy
Mana needed 100
Experience gained + 80,000
Area worked – quads, knees

And that’s all there is to it! Ideally, you want to do a good hour of training, so I’d recommend throwing in 20 minutes of cardio as well, be it jogging, cycling or whatever it is you enjoy that gets your heart pumping. The Wii does not count! Or does it…hmm…I’d stick to the trdaitional way myself, but hey let’s see what the studies say in a few years. Anyway, mix it up.

Dobson