Big Fat Ostrich

How’s it hanging, all you leprechauns? I know. One day late. But you know what? I was celebrating St-Patrick’s Day by drinking a bottle of Glenfiddich with my old Air Force buddies. The joke around here is that we say we’re in the Air Force because we blow real hard! Ha!

Well as you now know, yours truly is unilaterally declaring the month of March as “Ostrich Month”. The reason is because it’s been just about 1 year since the boys set up this forum and they have to celebrate somehow. Plus I’ve been getting a lot of Ostrich News over my fax machine and I need to vent. I’ll have some for you in a second. Right after this limerick I just made up:

This Ostrich he had some green feathers!
And hid in a great patch of heather!
He surprised a young lass!
But then she whipped his ass!
And then found himself under the weather!

Ha! You like that? Ok, here’s another:

I drank a whole bottle of scotch!
Just to take things up a notch!
I met a young tart!
But then she broke my heart!
And I woke up with mites on my crotch!

True story.

So where was I? Yes. Ostrich News. Well, the last thing that I got over the old Morse Code was about the iPad from Macintosh. It seems you can buy exotic skin iPad cases from Padova. Big deal. $570 for the Ostrich Case. Do you realize how much Guinness I can buy for $570?? Do you have any idea? Well take my word for it. She’s not worth it. Hey that gives me an idea for another limerick:

I went to the Pub for a beer!
And this lass whispered in my ear!
She said, “hey I know you!”
“You didn’t pay for the brew!”
“Now get the hell out of my pub!”

True story.

God, it’s cold! I haven’t felt this cold since my ex told me to go sleep in the basement, when we didn’t even have one!

Anyway! Dobson here again to give you some tips on staying warm. Usually I’m up on my game, but this winter has caught Ole Dobson by surprise. It must be that global warming all those kids are talking about. Here I thought spring was right around the corner, when, bang! Old Man Winter bites me in the ass.

So open your drawers and pull out your tea bags. Let’s get toasty!

What, you thought I’d talk about clothes? Well I don’t care how cold it gets. This year Dobson is making it through just like he always has: His favorite argyle sweater and the beige raincoat. That thing cuts the wind it does, and I ain’t looking to score any fashion points anyway.

So let’s get teabaggin’!

These days I’m feeling “zen”, so I like Green Tea. Any old kind will do really. I get mine from those variety boxes they sell down at the pharmacy. You got a problem with that? My ex-wife did too.  That snob queen only insisted on loose tea. But hey, she should know about loose, hey!

Back to our teabag, just boil up the water, pour it in the damn cup, and throw the bag in. Wait about a minute and drink it carefully, lest you burn your tongue.

Enjoy.

Dr. Dobson

Well the big day has finally arrived and I couldn’t be more non-plussed. Yeah. Non-plussed. As in the complete absence of plusses. Sure, The Big Day. The day that Archie makes the biggest mistake of his life.

When I opened my electronic mail today, my alarm was flashing to remind me that today is the day that Archie Comics #600 is released to adoring fans. Now really. Are there really that many people hungrily waiting to devour this swill? The answer is yes, yes there are, and Yours Truly is one of them, albeit grudgingly.

Speaking of grudges, I hate you, Mr. Lodge as well as your snooty ass-kissing butler. What a jerk.

Anyway, let’s get to the point. I slipped into my smoking jacket and headed down to the nearest comic book store to get Archie #600 AKA The Proposal. Now I ain’t gonna lie to you young whipper-snappers. My comic book store is called Torrent Loaderdown or something. I can’t remember really. You’d have to ask my houseboy how he got it delivered to me so fast.

So in between bites of my marmalade toast and sips of my morning tea, I read it. I read the whole goddamn thing from start to finish. And lemme tell you, I had to resist not once, but 5 TIMES, the urges of my body to heave all over my monitor. Archie Comics has some of the most embarrassing, amateurish, and revoltingly bad writing I’ve seen in a long time. And I’ve seen a lot of bad writing. Just ask my ex-wife. No, don’t ask her. Ask her Pulitzer. What a total fraud.

So the story goes like this: Archie and the gang play their last show at Riverdale and they ponder their futures.  To avoid having to develop the story, the writers throw in a ‘Flash Forward’ to a whirlwind of scenes depicting college graduation day. There’s even one hilarious moment where Archie forgets to put pants under his graduation gown. Lolz.

As it turns out, everyone will be leaving Riverdale, except Jughead who’s presumably staying behind with Hot Dog to perpetuate a worthless existence at Pop’s flipping burgers. Reggie aspires to be a used car salesman. Betty’s going to New York, Dilton’s going to MIT, Moose is off to be a lunkhead somewhere, Veronica (that bitch) is going to Hong Kong or something, and Archie has no prospects. He does have a cheque that his parents gave him as a graduation gift, and he buys Veronica a ring. Etc, etc, he proposes to The Big V.  in the jewelery store.  Betty happens in on the happenings through the window, is emotionally crushed under the steamroller that Archie blindly projected in her direction, and the rest is history.

Oh wait, he tells Mr. Lodge, who is pissed at first, but then gives his blessing and vows to hold a gigantic wedding. Veronica declares that it won’t be “as low-key as Obama’s Inauguration”. Actual quote.

As hideously revolting as most of the story is (since I hate Veronica), I cried at the end when She/It asks Betty to be her Maid of Honor. Betty barely had time to put her shattered heart back together when V. drives another thoughtless bitch-stake into Betty’s heart. Nice going ‘Moronica’. Now if you’ll excuse me, my toast is getting soggy. I should never have sold my J.D. Salinger first editions.

Well, well. If it isn’t me again, Dr. Dobson. I’m here to chew your ear off about something that has REALLY gotten under my skin. If you thought I was angry in my last post, well this time I’m fuming. Last time I may as well have been talking about a lovely springtime picnic with fruit baskets and frolicking. Today I’m going to talk to you about darkness, corpses and scorched earth. That’s right. I’m here to talk about Archie proposing to Veronica.

I am truly pissed at these developments. If you haven’t heard the news, after like 60 years of being treated like crap, Archie Andrews has proposed to Veronica Lodge, aka, That Bitch from Riverdale. She’s so totally a bitch and always has been and like, I don’t know what Archie ever saw in her. And believe me, I’m sure poor Betty is thinking the same thing.

Bah! Veronica Lodge…and her Dad is such a jerk ALL THE TIME. He flies off the handle for the most insignificant things, probably because Mrs. Lodge “‘cut him off” years ago. He probably has erectile dysfunction too, cause no guy with that much money is that much of a dick all the freaking time.

So Archie proposes to a big wad of cash, leaving Betty with a bankrupt heart. She was always so good to him, while Veronica (that bitch) has nothing to offer. Who could put up with her crap for so long? Mark my words, the most used phrase in the Archie/Veronica union is going to be, “not tonight, I have a headache”. Then, a frustrated Archie will go cool his heels on the Lodge golf course where an errant ball will hilariously smash the window of Mr. Lodge’s limousine or something. Yeah, I’m sure the storylines are going to be FAN-tastic. Maybe that snooty butler of theirs will get a golf ball in the crotch once in awhile just to keep things interesting. Always hated that guy!

I haven’t actually read Archie comics in a long, long time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m talking about. Anyone with half a brain could see that, over the years Betty was the one who’d be true. So what if she doesn’t sleep on a cash-filled mattress! Has Archie become that materialistic? What happened to his modesty? Remember the old Jalopy? Does he need to marry That Thing to prove to himself that he’s moving up in the world? Come on.

Veronica is never gonna be there for him. Never! When Reggie kicked sand in Archie’s face that time on the beach, who was there for him? Eh? Who? Betty, that’s who. Where was The Big V, huh?  Well I don’t remember either, but she definitely wasn’t helping. That bitch.

Hey everyone, Dr. Dobson is back and boy am I pissed!

Now don”t get me wrong. I love the rain. Some days, I just want to walk in it and let it soak me, especially on a warm day. But as a Doctor, I need to keep up appearances too, which is where the umbrella comes in. The problem is, I’m also a cheap bastard and you know, when you’re a cheap fuck like me, that attitude sometimes comes back to bite you on the ass that you’ve been sitting on while you write out prescriptions for sweet sweet Valium and codeine.

It was a few weeks ago when, as winter’s claws were just about to lose their grip, I woke up to one of those days where it rains, then snows, then sleets, then who the hell knew what was next. I had an important meeting and I needed an umbrella to protect “the look”. I couldn’t walk in there looking like one of my patients you know, with last years leaves and acid rain in my coif.

I put off buying an umbrella all winter because, who the hell needs one in the snow? And besides, the one I had was ‘stolen’ by my colleague who was ‘just going out for a smoke’ and then never returned. I mean that. He never returned as in, we never saw him again. Whatever. He was a crackpot and I got his office, which was way better than mine after I had it fumigated.

Anyway, I head over to the local pharmacy and I find a nice classy black one for $9.99. No way in hell am I spending $30 on one with a wood handle. I may be pretentious, but I don’t need to tattoo it on my forehead, you know? God, you’d think you’d get a drug store discount being a doctor and all, but no you don’t. Seems you need ‘integrity’ or some shit.

As it happens, my trusty umbrella is compact, versatile and yes, it keeps me dry. It’s pretty good in fact, and it served me wonderfully for about 1 fucking month! That’s it. Thing self destructed for no reason, no warning, and it happened INDOORS! I would be a little less pissed if it happened in a windstorm, because no umbrella can handle gale force winds no matter how well made they are.

I was out there having  a stroll on a nice spring morning. I had just taken a shower and didn’t want another one, so I brought Snappy along. I was getting a feel for this umbrella and named it as such for the way it would snap right open on a dime. Hitting the trigger felt  like cocking my pistol for instant protection from the disgusting fluid dripping from the sky that day. When I returned home however, I noticed that Snappy the umbrella would not click shut when I folded it.

Once inside, I inspected the main spine, which had dislodged somehow from the center hole. I try, ever so gently to guide it back in when suddenly BANG, the whole thing pops apart and I’m surrounded by the tinny sounds of almost every spoke tinkling to the floor. And there I am left holding what looks to be a dead bat on a leash. Like some jerk.

Sad to say, the rain continued for another two days, so I was forced to shell out another $9.99 for a new one.

Dobson, M.D.

Hey all you freaks! Are you ready for a workout? You better be, cause I’m here to give you some excellent tips which you can apply to a great 20 minute workout. Alright. Throw on last years 5 sizes too small shorts and let’s go!

Before we start, I suggest a 12 minute warmup. You can easily get the heart going by jogging around your apartment, or running over to the place where you plan to do your workout. You can shake out your arms and do light rotations while you run as this will help circulate the blood flow.

Level 1

Situps
If you haven’t done situps for awhile, they suck but they’re highly beneficial. Like every exercise, there’s a right and wrong way to do them, so form is everything. You want to raise yourself using your abdominals, without using your legs or your back. So get someone to hold your lower legs in place. I do situps whenever I can. Last year I was in a car accident and a truck pinned my legs. Instead of freaking out, I did some situps until help came! Like I say, always keep a positive outlook!

Set 1 – 15 reps
Set 2 – 12 reps
Set 3 – 10 reps

Skill Level – medium
Mana needed 50
Experience gained + 500
Area worked – lower abs

Plank (variation a)
The Plank is like half a pushup in the up position. It’s easy. Keep your back straight and don’t bend in the middle like a banana. Hold the position for decreasing intervals.

Set 1 – 30 seconds
Set 2 – 20 seconds
Set 3 – 15 seconds

Skill Level – easy
Mana needed 20
Experience gained + 1000
Area worked – triceps, core

Plank (variation b)
Start off in Plank variation a, keeping your elbows close to the body, lower down about half way. Hold the position for decreasing intervals.

Set 1 – 20 seconds
Set 2 – 15 seconds
Set 3 – 12 seconds

Skill Level – medium
Mana needed 30
Experience gained + 2000
Area worked – triceps, core

Plank (variation c)
Start off by lying on your stomach.  Clasp your hands together so that you’re resting on your forearms. You should be looking down at your clasped hands, not directly ahead as this can cause injury to your neck.  Keep your back straight and even with your pelvis and hold this position for:

Set 1 – 25 seconds
Set 2 – 20 seconds
Set 3 – 15 seconds

Skill Level – hard
Mana needed 60
Experience gained + 4000
Area worked – core, core, core!

Pushups
For best results, do them slowly and evenly. It’s harder to do, but it helps you to pay attention to the movement while reducing the chance of injury. You’re only racing against yourself, and the winner will be you, everytime! (Yes, that was a cheesy thing to say, but it’s the truth)

Set 1 – 10 reps
Set 2 -  8 reps
Set 3 -  6 reps

Skill Level – medium
Mana needed 50
Experience gained + 10,000
Area worked – pecs, biceps, core

Tricep Pushups
Sit on the floor with your legs bent up in front of you. With your hands flat on the floor by your hips, push yourself up. Repeat until your triceps are begging to do anything to make it stop, oh god, please make it stop. Trust me, your triceps will be happy.

Set 1 – 20 reps
Set 2 – 15 reps
Set 3 – 12 reps

Skill Level – medium
Mana needed 50
Experience gained + 50,000
Area worked – triceps

Squats
Stand with your legs apart a little wider than shoulder width, squat down as low as you can and come back up. Do this slowwwwwly. When you do this, pay attention to your knees and keeping your weight equalized between them. You don’t want to be off balance which can easily cause injury.

Set 1 – 12 reps
Set 2 -  9 reps
Set 3 -  7 reps

Skill Level – easy
Mana needed 100
Experience gained + 80,000
Area worked – quads, knees

And that’s all there is to it! Ideally, you want to do a good hour of training, so I’d recommend throwing in 20 minutes of cardio as well, be it jogging, cycling or whatever it is you enjoy that gets your heart pumping. The Wii does not count! Or does it…hmm…I’d stick to the trdaitional way myself, but hey let’s see what the studies say in a few years. Anyway, mix it up.

Dobson