Big Fat Ostrich

Hello everyone.

Yeah, I’m still alive. More alive than ever actually. And I got a shitload of things to talk about. Starting with Android. I’ve been a happy iOS/Mac OS user for quite some time now. 4 years or so? Anyway. What I always loved about my iPhone and my Macbook is the elegance, reliability and simplicity of the whole deal. I’ve been working in IT for more than a decade now, forced to implement, support and use shitty, out of date software every single day. Let’s just say, the appeal of recompiling my Gentoo kernel has faded a little at this point. I’m still a geek but I really really appreciate the Apple way of doing things. You know, when you just get used to doing stuff in the apps, completely oblivious to the OS because it’s so fuckin tight and out of the way.

Up until a couple of months ago, I was the happiest camper on the campground. But then I got bored. There I said it; perfection is boring. So I bought me an Android handset and decided to spend a whole month with it. “If it doesn’t pass the test” I said to myself, “I’ll sell it or make it my Android iPod touch or something”. After all, my iPhone was still right there, ready to be reactivated.

After a couple of weeks, I almost wrote a very negative review about it (lack of polish, crashes, shitty audio quality during calls, etc). THEN I DISCOVERED NES AND SNES EMULATORS AND SIXAXIS CONTROLLER SOFTWARE!!! That’s right, my LG Optimus 2X has an HDMI port so I can connect it to the TV and play all my favorite NES and SNES games using my PS3 controller via blue tooth. I also found fixes for microphone shitty performance during calls and an SMS app that lets me draw penises and send them to Mike, just like in the old days with MSN messenger. I also ordered better batteries (2 of them, since they were only 14 bucks each). They’re like 1800 mah instead of only 1500. That’s 300 more mah!! I don’t have the slightest idea of what a “mah” is and how much longer my battery will last with 300 more of them. But I don’t give a fuck. NES GAMES! ON MY TV! WITH MY PS3 CONTROLLER! AND SMS PENISES!!!

So yeah. My conclusion is: Android is not quite there yet but the possibilities and freedom it offers make up for it. Also, the LG Optimus 2X is a stunning piece of hardware. The HDMI port and Gorilla Glass are awesome. I also love the fact that I can upgrade the battery and storage memory (micro SD) up to 32 GB.

OK, now, on another topic, the Smashing Pumpkins are back. These past years, Billy Corgan had kind of, lost his way. And I guess someone told him. And he fuckin listened. Their actual tour kicks ass. The new drummer is a machine. The other 2 are also very good (the new bassist is not Melissa Auf Der Maur, but she totally rocks in her very own way),  most of all, they sound and feel like a band again. Billy seems to be enjoying himself, he’s all fat n bald now but he plays the shit out of that signature strat of his. And as a long time fan, I couldn’t be happier.

Dark Souls is like Demon’s Souls except more beautiful and with more complex maps and better AI, bent on destroying the shit out of you. Even though I hate it with all my heart, it definitely is my game of the year.

I started training at a crossfit place. Every single time feels like I’m getting a solid beating in an alley. And for some reason, I want more. Seriously, those guys are fucking awesome.

Other than training in a place where they hurt me, I’ve also been trying to eat healthier. And after years of reading about different healthy options and theories, this is pretty much the least shitty I could find on the nets. Thanks Mark.

On a less healthy note, I baked awesome apple muffins last weekend and I am totally gonna share the recipe with you guys… BUT IN A DIFFERENT POST! Because this is way too long. So stay tuned. Stay healthy. Stay fit. Keep listening to good music. And keep using Android. (see what I did here?!?!)

LAT0RZ

 

-D

Fuck, it’s like I just woke up and realized that my dad really is dead (well, he really is dead ahhaha). The White Stripes are no more. I fucking miss them. I got nothing more to say about it

If you’re willing to suffer a bit, this is the best sandwich you’ll eat all summer!

Ingredients:

- A whole lobster (I got a frozen one because the “fresh” ones looked rotten)

- One big radish

- A half sweet red pepper

- A half branch of celery

- A quarter of an apple

- Some lettuce

- Mayonnaise

- Cream cheese

- Your favorite multigrain bread

 

First, crack open every part of that bastard lobster in order to extract the sweet sweet flesh from it. If, like me, you had to buy a frozen one because the fresh ones didn’t look so fresh, best way to un-freeze it is to boil water in a big pot and just when it’s ready to explode, turn off the stove. Put the lobster in the water for a good 10 minutes. That should do the trick.

Cut everything real small, mix with mayo until you get a nice spreadable texture. Add some cream cheese to the mix to taste. Spread on a thick slice of bread, cover with second slice of bread. Cut in the middle. Serve. Get nipple hardening culinary experience right then and there.

Perfect with a salad made of the rest of those poor veggies and a big glass of homemade iced tea.

Cheers!

 

– Dan

Sometimes, it sucks not being a real dude who writes real stuff about things. Like, you know, not being able to elaborate on a topic, it can get frustrating. For example, here’s how the Houston Press Blog describes The Entrance Band‘s album, titled “The Entrance Band”:

“The disc explores hoary agit-prop poses, echo-chambered vocal kaleidoscopes and dark,
winding blues riffs. Guitarist/singer Guy Blakeslee, drummer Derek James, and
Lenchantin want to have their cake, eat it and smear it in your face.”

I would sell my children to be able to write something like this! I mean… “agit-prop poses”?!?! I have no fucking clue what those are, yet, they sound awesome, and writing complicated shit like that would make me, a non-native speaker of the english language, eligible for hot, hot native english speaker of english female english language sexing. But no, instead, I draw matchstick penises and I say “fuck” a lot.

WELL, I’ll try my best to describe my The Entrance Band adventure. And if you, a lady female native speaker of the english anglo speaking female language of the gender language sex english, do not want to bone me BAD after reading this, well, it’s cool man, I got a plan B. I GOT A PLAN B AND IT INVOLVES MIKE.

So I went to see The Kills in Montreal the other night. On the ticket, it said, “The Kills and Guests”. I didn’t know much about The Kills. My good friend Jerome was all “DAN MAN, THEY KICK ASS, THE GUY IS BRITISH, IT’S GON’ BE ICE COLD”. All frenchmen talk like that lately. What the fuck.

So anyway, we show up, not knowing anything about anyone. Last time I went to a show was like, the first Pixies reunion tour. It was very bad, and I already felt so old it was almost creepy standing there with my baldness and my beer belly. Thank God, no one notices creepy fucks like me at shows anymore. We’re just like, street cones. You can’t really avoid them, cuz they’re all orange and fat and in the way, but you CERTAINLY never ever have to talk to them, kiss them or bring them home. Ever.

So yeah. Went to the Kills concert. Jerome said they were good. I already liked the Dead Weather so it was an easy sell. We get in and it’s all like, “Oh yeah, kids who look like the Strokes, shitty opening band, WOOHOO”. Then the Entrance Band starts playing and I shut the fuck up with my witty, cynical banter. I am floored. I am in love. That 21 year old bassist is intriguing and loud as fuck!!! The singer is honest and his guitar moves me. “Those new kids ARE NAILING THE FUCK OUT OF IT!!!” I tell myself.

Later that night I google the show. I find out about The Entrance Band (Quick look to the left, she’s not 21 but who gives a fuck). About Paz (I LOVED Zwan’s only album). I also find out about Thurston Moore’s involvement. (Sonic Youth is my second favorite band ever in the whole wide universe. And the only reason they are second is because of The Cure). (Also, Mazzy Star). This googling episode makes me realize how outdated and sad I now am.

Oh BTW, the Kills were alright! Alright as Hell!! But I am more of an Entrance Band person. Sorry Alison and the British dude.

A-NY-WAY! The other other band that night. Brown Cave or something. They sucked. If you’re going to sound like Suede, might as well not look like Batman. That’s all I’ve got to say about it.

In conclusion, I am drunk as fuck. The Entrance Band are perfect. The Kills are incredibly alright. The Blue Cavestonez or whatever, they just don’t cut it.

This was “What I had to say about the Entrance Band”.

BY DAN

(I just passed out for a good 10 minutes)

(HAHaahH)

Today I got the BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER!!!! (other than those also awesome socks and pyjamas). Handmade stuff just makes me so fucking happy. I mean, check this out, isn’t it the loveliest thing?!

 

Oh and uh, in other news. Mortal Kombat, L.A. Noire and The Witcher 2. Three great fucking games. How’s that for a tiny review?

Anyway, I’m preparing something crazy awesome for the very very near future, so stay tuned. (HINT: It has a hobo and puke in it).

Later!

– D

Hah, gotcha, we don’t have any April fools jokes.

Boy oh boy have I got a cool new recipe for you guys. Oh of course it’s about as healthy as triple deep fried beer battered butter with fudge chunks and peanuts. And it probably explains why I won’t fit in any of my pairs of jeans within the next few weeks. But hey, it’s worth it.

I’m pretty sure this one is totally new and original. I’m damn proud of it. Also I’m trying to fill the white space to the right of the picture, as usual. Yup…. yup yup yup…

Pretty cool weather we got this weekend huh? So did you watch the game? I sure didn’t.

 

ARE YOU READY FOR DBHPTRDC GOODNESS?!?!?! Aaaaaalright, here we go!

 

Ingredients:

- A pound of ground beef (or veal, or pork)

- Sliced and pickled hot peppers (the kind we use in burgers)

- 5 bacon strips

- 2 onions

- A tablespoon of powdered chicken broth

- Some garlic

- 3/4 cup basmati rice

- Olive oil

- Black pepper

 

Preparation:

Dice the onions, cut the bacon into small chunks, mince the garlic. Pour some olive oil in a frying pan that’s been sitting on the oven for 5 minutes at medium-high temperature. Add the onions, garlic, beef and bacon, cover.

 

Fill a large saucepan full of water. Cover it and wait till it’s boiling, then bring the fire to medium-high and add the rice. The trick is to treat the rice as if it was pasta. So I guess it means 10-15 minutes…

 

Back to the meat. After 5 minutes, remove the cover and add the hot peppers, the chicken broth and the black pepper. Stir fry “those bad boys” as they say on the cooking channel. When the rice is ready, just throw the water away and add the rice to the rest. Raise the heat to maximum, stir some more. When the liquid’s almost all gone, stop stirring. That’s where the magic happens. Wait for 2-3 minutes, until a nice golden crust forms at the bottom. It should give a nice balance of crispy and smooth.

 

Serve with crappy commercial beer or something.

 

That’s it for now. I’m going back to my endless search for decent poker games to play on a portable console. ANY portable console will do at this point. If I find something, I’ll keep you guys posted.

 

‘Til next time,

 

- Dan

Magic Trick
Bob: In my office right now!
Bill: Yes sir right away!
Bob: Pick a card any card…
Bill: Uh…this one?
Bob: HOCUS POCUS! SHAZAM! ABRACADABRA! ZOOOM!
Bob: Is this your card?
Bill: Nope.
Bob: Then what the fuck are you still doing here? Get the fuck back to your crappy little cubicle you incompetent fool!
Bill: Yes sir! Sorry about everything sir!
Bob: This Bridge Magic Trick book is harder to master than I first thought…
*Bridge For Dummies*