Big Fat Ostrich

We had fajitas last night so we were left with a bunch of cheese, salsa and sour cream. Here’s how I incorporated them in my standard omelet recipe to create one of the tastiest culinary wonders to ever come out of my 2 square foot kitchen!

Omelets are fun and easy to make if you got the right tools, namely a good anti-adhesive frying pan and a stock pot lid.

Ingredients you will need:

- 1 onion

- A bunch of mushrooms

- Some salsa

- Some sliced up hot peppers

- 6 eggs

- Milk

- Butter

- Tabasco

- Baseball mustard

- Salt

- Pepper

- Grated brick cheese

Preparation:

Chop the onions, the peppers and the mushrooms to the size you prefer. I like big chunks but hey, everybody’s different. Put the frying pan on medium fire, put enough butter in it so that there’ll be some left when you add the eggs later. Put your veggies in there and stir fry them for 10 minutes.

While that’s going on, put 6 eggs in a bowl, a cloud of milk, a bit of tabasco, a bit of cheap bright yellow mustard (that we lovingly call “baseball mustard”), but be very careful not to overdo it. Just a light squeeze of the bottle, 2 at the most. Add salt and pepper (more pepper, less salt). Whisk vigorously until the stuff is kinda consistent.

When your stir frying is done, add salsa to the frying pan(3-4 tablespoons of it). Wait another 4-5 minutes.

Then add the eggs mixture, stir to make the thing even, add the grated cheese on top and reduce the fire to 2. Let it go like that for 2-3 minutes, then cover with a pot lid and wait another 5 minutes. It should look like this (yeah, the cooking process somehow gets rid of half of it, it’s MAGIC!):

Serve with a mountain of sour cream and enjoy!

YEAH!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shit like dis:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arKpdxjHamI

SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER happen. “Cliff  Blackwood is a huntah…” or “Kurt Bliffwood is a huntaaaaah”… or whoever the fuck is a huntah. NO! NO VEVO! WE’D RATHER YOU DON’T EXIST! AND IT’D BE HARDER TO GET TO THE SONGS! AND THEY’D BE IN “SUPER SHITTY RESOLUTION” INSTEAD OF “EXTRA SHITTY”. But we don’t care. And Birth Kitwood is not a huntah. Blark Thurstwood is a dude who should go to bed now. That’s right, John Engelwood, go to bed now, with your cross-eyed crosseyes. And you shitty black belt. The joke is over. It wasn’t funny in the first place. Now it’s over. Go to bed. GO! Put on a clean diaper and go. Florch Blortfegelwood. Nobody loves you no more. Blake Frenchwood.

No wait. It was Chuck Norris. STILL! I’m super angry. The U2bes aren’t what they used to be.

Fuck you, Chuck Norriswood.

-Dan

Holy fuck, whenever it’s too cold to go outside, I have to invent new dishes from all the shit left in the fridge, because, fuck going outside right?

So for this one, all you need is:

- 3 slices of bacon
– A hamburger patty
– 2 toasted pieces of white bread
– Baseball mustard
– Mayo
– Super spicy salsa
– One (1) Kraft Single

So, you put the bacon in a frying pan. When it’s sizzling, you put the patty in so it cooks in the bacon grease.

While all that’s going on, put the bread in the toaster. When the patty is almost ready, leave it in the frying pan, turn the fire off and put the Kraft Single on top of it. When the toasts come out put mayo on a slice and mustard on the other. Put bacon on each of them. Then put the patty with the cheese in between and pour some salsa on it. Cut the thing in half and enjoy!

Here’s what it looks like:

That’s right boys and girls. We’ve got video features coming so we thought “hey, let’s create a youtube channel!” And we did.

This first video is just a test. BUT WHAT AN ADORABLE TEST!!! JUST LOOK AT THOSE BIG BLUE EYES!!!!

[Dan out.]

Just when you thought things couldn’t get crazier in my kitchen… THEY DID! I just invented the “pout-caroni and cheese-tine”. It all started because I felt like having a homemade poutine but I didn’t have the right kind of cheese and was too lazy to go get some at the store. “Well” I thought “I still have Kraft singles… wait a minute… I ALSO HAVE PASTA!!!” The rest is history.

So, let’s start with the first half of this recipe, my homemade mac and cheese:

Pick any type of pasta. Short ones are better.

When they’re ready, add 3 Kraft Singles, some butter and some milk. Stir until it looks like mac and cheese.

Now on to the second half of this culinary wonder:

Put frozen fries in the oven. When they’re ready, add them to the mac and cheese. Then pour hot poutine sauce over the whole thing. Mix until it looks like diarhea.

Then put the mix in a rectangular thing that goes in the oven (like for meatloaf). Add some pepper and put it back in the oven for 20 minutes at around 425 C. Let it cool a bit afterwards.

That’s it! You’re done! Doesn’t it look like totally legit food? I’m afraid it does!

Bye guys. Oh and if I don’t come back till next year, happy holidays!

******UPDATE******

I’ve been receiving hundreds of thousands of BILLIONS OF DOZENS OF MILLIONS of emails asking me “But Dan, what does it taste like?” I invite you all to check out the comments section for a detailed answer.

Really? High guitar, moustache, whiny voice?! REALLY?!

One of my great pleasures in life is to invent dishes. I am the proud father of the “hamburdog” and of course, the inevitable “hot-durger”. I make a killer taco salad that uses the hard shells as croutons (since they kept fucking crumbling in my hands anyway). But my greatest achievement so far has to be the Spagstramizza.

Intrigued yet? Good.

Let me show you how to prepare the thing.

First you take a plate. Any plate will do.

Then you add a fat toasted slice of pumpernickel bread:

Then you pour hot homemade spaghetti sauce on the fucker:

Then you sprinkle your favorite cheese on it:

Then you add hot smoked meat (Montreal style, like Levitts’, is the best, but standard pastrami will do):

And then you eat it with utensils. A pickle or coleslaw on the side are great addition to the experience.

Enjoy!!!

PS.: To the chick who wanted to sell us ads and then said that our website “tried to attack her computer” because Norton said so but she didn’t remember the exact error message but to not try to contact her again: Go fuck yourself. Our website is squeaky clean, bitch.

Robert? ROBERT!! We gotta talk man. This is important. Robert! Focus! Here! Are you listening? Yes? Right. Ok. I just wanted to say, around 4:13 Dream, you started doing shows with 2 guitars and no keyboard. Roger was gone and all that, it’s okay, we understand.

“With guitars and effect pedals nowadays, you can do anything!” Maybe you can, but you certainly didn’t. Still, it sounded alright. Of course, Jason isn’t Boris. His tiny Jason feet will never fill those giant Boris boots. But that’s an old, tired argument. You seem to get along well with the guy, so we should just all accept the fact that he’ll be there up until the very end. (Still, his “Pictures of you” is awful, I really hope you hear it too).

I just watched a bunch of videos from “Bestival 2011″. Porl is gone. Roger is back. WHAT THE FUCK ROBERT?!? Don’t get me wrong. I love Roger as much as the next guy. But if you’re going to play in front of people, you need a proper band. 2 guitars were shitty but ok I guess. Kinda like, you were proving a point and we were happy that you were back so we didn’t say anything. But a single guitar and a keyboard? No way man. No way. I mean, let’s all take a long hard listen to this:

You sound like a bunch of kids covering the song in the drummer’s bedroom. It’s all very sad, this whole thing.

If you’re gonna stick with Jason, at least hire a second guitarist. Prty plz?

Good night Robert Smith. Good night readers.