So yeah, Mike and I decided to take this Bobbipins thing to the next level. Here’s this, it’s the first one. Read it.
Head on over to Part 2 for the shocking finale!
Bob: Well it’s time for your annual performance review. We value your work as a trusted employee. So everything seems to be ok, and since you don’t have any questions, you can just sign here.
Bill: …
*penis*
Bill: But I…it’s a drawing of a penis!
Bob: It’s your goddamn performance review is what it is! Sign it…
Bill: Sigh…
Bob: Now get the fuck back to work!
This week’s Household Deathmatch Double Extreme is a fight to the death for comfort supremacy between my duvet and my old comforter! Both are bitter enemies and have been so ever since that incident back at the manufacturing sweat shop. Finally, they meet again, this time in a public arena. Only one can emerge victorious.
The Matchup:
| Opponent |
The Duvet
|
The Comforter |
| Size |
Queen |
Twin |
| Style |
Cozy Stealth |
Blinding Fluff |
Attributes:
| The Duvet |
The Comforter |
| Big enough to cover opponent |
Hasn’t been washed in 8 years. Odor as weapon. |
| All season comfort |
Useful only in winter |
Weaknesses:
| The Duvet |
The Comforter |
| Barely fits in the washing machine. |
2 inch tear which bleeds filler. |
The Battle:
The Duvet opens up to its full size and mocks the Comforter, beckoning it closer. The Comforter gives the Duvet the finger and gets a warning from the referee. They meet at center ring and the Duvet makes an attempt at covering the Comforter but the Comforter is fast and twists away, spreading fluff in the Duvet’s eyes. The Duvet calls for time out, but suddenly realizes that there’s no time out in Household Deathmatches. The Comforter takes advantage and tries to cover the Duvet. The Duvet recoils at the Comforter’s awful smell, and the Comforter advances closer. In a brilliant move, The Duvet climbs the ropes and reverse body slams the Comforter! It doesn’t have to smell the Comforter this way! But the Comforter squeezes out from beneath the Duvet and crawls towards its corner, followed by the Duvet. The Comforter throws its corner bucket on the Duvet! The Duvet is soaked and is now collapsing under its waterlogged weight! It…it..it falls on the Comforter! The Comforter can’t breathe! It’s trying to get out! 9….8….7…it too is soaking wet now, but feels comfy and starts to doze! …4…3…2…1! And the Duvet has won the match!
The Conclusion:
The Comforter’s desperate attempt at disposing of the Duvet set the stage for its own demise.
Match time:
3 minutes.
Fido. They called me today to see if I was interested in spending my well earned Fido Dollars (240$) on one of their overstocked crappy phones.
“You have enough Fido Dollars to get yourself one our Nokia handsets!”
A Crappy Nokia 2720
“But I have a phone.”
“You can use it as a spare or hold onto it for when you replace your current phone!”
“Yeah, but it’ll be outdated by then!”
“Did I mention that this phone has FM radio?”
“…” Wow.”Well no thanks.”
“Well have a nice day.”
“Oh wait, oh hey! Does Fido have any Android phones?”
“Uh…what’s that?”
“Android. You know. Google’s OS?”
“Haven’t heard of it.”
“Ok, well, good luck pushing those Nokia 2720′s”
So yeah Fido, stop trying to offload your shitty phones on me! I know you have a LOT of them due to people not buying them the first time around. Note that in Canada we regularly get raped by our cellular companies. Fido Solutions is no different, but is particularly nasty. Their money-grab 25$ “hardware upgrade administration fee” is complete bullshit and makes upgrading your phone for “free” using Fido Dollars completely moot. I don’t know what other companies are doing, but the audacity of the 25 dollar hardware upgrade fee is nothing short of stealing. A class action suit should be filed because they are clearly taking advantage of their clients. I’m taking my money elsewhere. Fuck you, Fido.
