Big Fat Ostrich

Bad news. I just realized the game is happening in real time. So it doesn’t matter if I spend 30 minutes every day watching my retarded hamster spin in her wheel, because stuff will keep happening even if I don’t play. Of course, I won’t be collecting “hamster stars” unless I feed and pet the little fucker. I’m not even sure what those are for, probably just a way to make you feel like you’re accomplishing something.  Meanwhile, I’m listening to the Giant Bombcast about Modern Warfare 2 and they’re saying how it’s all awesome and shit… WHY OH WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, back to the Hamsterz diary… Inside the game, I have this “cousin Mike” who I can visit. Every time I visit him, my little Grignotte comes with me and shares the same cage as Mike’s own hamster, Jeepers. Jeepers is an asshole. Every time I try to pet him he squeals and a little “sad” icon appears over his head. But then Grignotte eats all his food, and we leave without saying goodbye. I’m starting to like Grignotte. I bought her biscuits.

Here’s my plan for the future: I’ll try to find new ways to grief Jeepers through Grignotte. Then I’ll try to kill Grignotte by starvation. And then I’ll go buy Modern Warfare 2 okay?!?!

-Dan

These are some exciting times here at BFO.  I was going to post something from our new contributor, Radiation Juan, but his latest post needs some editing and censoring (that sick freak). In the meantime, I’ll tell you about Inglourious Basterds, which I saw last night with some friends.

So I’ll tell you straight away: After a full day to think about it, this movie didn’t do very much for me. Yes, it’s a fantasy about getting even with the Nazis. It’s Tarantino, and it’s got a great cast. Great things going for it, wouldn’t you say?

Yeah, I thought so too. In the end, it just felt like a half-hearted exercise. Sure, the evil of the Nazis is hard to match unless they’re also zombies (It’s been done), and we sure like seeing them lose.

But the whole movie just didn’t flow. I hate Nazis as much as the next guy except I just couldn’t get past the idea that these dudes (led by Brad Pitt) are just waltzing around behind enemy lines whacking Nazis and taking their scalps as war booty. I know, I know. It’s a Nazi killing fantasy. We’re supposed to suspend belief for awhile. Still, aside from a few standouts (the main Nazi guy and Brad Pitt with his over-thick southern accent), I felt that the script could have been written by a first year film student (high school).

I’ll give it 6 internetz on 10.

Anyway, I’m going to watch Watchmen now. I’ll let you know how that turns out.

m.

Since I’m in the process of moving into a new apartment, I have much less gaming time. So I’ve decided to try a little experiment. I am going to play Hamsterz 2 exclusively for the next two weeks. The rules of the experiment are:

- No walking down the street with my penis out.

- I am not allowed to play ANYTHING other than Hamsterz 2

- I gotta play for at least 15 minutes every day

- I need to take pictures and write about my dumb hamster as often as possible (God I hate this experiment already)

- When the two weeks is over, I am getting drunk and playing Call of Duty for 48 hours straight. I will also throw the Hamsterz 2 cartridge in a fire.

So here’s Day One of my Hamsterz log:

I started the game by adopting “Grignotte”, a stupid beige and brown female hamster. I have been trying to murder her by overfeeding her. No luck. I also bought her a wheel, hoping she’d break her neck but the little shit is quite agile.

More to come.

-Dan

We recently had an actual genuine comment on my last ostrich news entry about me having an ostrich burger. It was from a mysterious reader who calls him(or her)self “you know who”, which is total bullshit, I don’t actually know anyone who would want to visit this site.

Well, dear mysterious reader, tonight I will answer all your questions via the magic of computer assisted painting.

Question 1. Can you at least tell us where you found this culinary delight or are we supposed to figure it out from the clues left uncovered by your plate on the paper placemat?

Answer 1. If you look closely, you’ll notice that the picture indeed hides secret clues as to the location I ate the burger at:

!!!!! OMFG!

*gasp* what’s that?! HOLY CRAP!!!!!!! IT’S A BURGER MITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And if you take a closer look…

You’ll notice that it’s not wearing any pants, and it has a tiny “Hi, my name is…” thingy on its mite waiter suit!

Let’s take an even CLOSER closer look!

So yeah, it was Brisket Restaurant, 1093 Cote Du Beaver Hall, downtown Montreal.

Question 2. How did you order it, rare, medium, well-done?

Answer 2. Medium

Question 3. Was it tender, dry, or just okay ?

Answer 3. It was way too dry.

Question 4. Did it taste gamey, meaty, or like chicken ?

Answer 4. It didn’t taste like chicken at all. More like Wapiti meat, very liver-y taste. I didn’t enjoy it very much.

Question5. Would you recommend the burger, the restaurant, or none of the above ?

Answer 5. I would only recommend the burger to the adventurous. I totally recommend the restaurant though, they serve burgers made of a wide variety of meats (kangaroo, boar, deer, rabbit, etc), most of them are delicious, I personally prefer the boar burger. They also have killer smoked meat sandwiches that compete with the best Montreal smoked meat places. Oh and let’s not forget their huge variety of awesome poutines. The service can take a long time on busy days and the prices are a bit high, but hey, it’s downtown Montreal, what do you expect?

So there, I hope I answered your questions in a satisfactory manner. Thank you for your interest in BFO.

Bye.

-Dan

Radiation Juan

The Radiation Juan Chronicles will be featured whenever Juan gets off his drunken ass to actually send us something.  Join him on his dangerous and sometimes disturbing (but usually disgusting) journey.

Peyote and Pavement

I walked for longer than I expected to under the circumstances: uncountable miles from the closest bar, town, or hashball depot, with the sun searing my flesh which didn’t normally see any light brighter than a neon sign. I was thirsty too, yet the drip-drip coming from where my wisdom teeth had been somehow offered some sweet relief.

Looking back I could see the car in the distance. Barely a charcoal smudge against the beige plains. God knows how long I’d been out there, but the road was sloping up and I had a clear view from my vantage point. It didn’t matter anyway. It wasn’t my car.

I spun around lazily and started back up the road. I could begin to see the tell tale signs of an approaching town: a sign up ahead, the refuse collecting in the ditches. I’d been this way before. I was sure of that.

Read the prologue!

Mike just posted 2 rather good posts. I simply cannot have that. I swore to keep the quality of this site way below average, and that bastard is sabotaging me big time.

First, I would like to talk about the awful awful ads that are sprinkled all over our main page. Sometimes I wake up at night, turn on the computer and fire up my favorite web browser (Google chrome of course). Then I interwebsurf to here, and look at the ads for a while. Then I hit F5, hoping that I’ll get a fresh batch. They are so fucking awful they make me forget about my own misery.

Lately I noticed one that I find particularly disturbing. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Notaurz, the diaper wearing happy minotaur:

I… I don’t know man… The “normal” reaction to Notaurz would be to hate his guts I guess. But just look at him! With his huge soulless eyes, and his mouth full of grass, and that big dumb smile. It makes me want to adopt him, but just so I could drown him in the toilet. I’m sure he’d still be smiling that creepy smile through the whole process. Fucking Notaurz…

Ok, time for another brand new feature! The nano game reviews. Just enough info to interest you in a game or make sure you’ll never make the mistake of buying it. Here’s what I’ve been playing lately:

Rhythm Heaven 2 on DS: Already talked about it in the past, still totally hooked on it. LOTS of rhythm game fun, zero stupid peripherals.

Mario and Luigi Partners in Time on DS: First Mario RPG I’ve ever played, and I really like the twitch reflex dimension they added to the classic RPG mechanics.

Geo-defense Swarm on iPhone: Fun variation on the tower defense genre. The medium difficulty levels are much more difficult than the easy ones though. Still a must-own iPhone game.

Batman Arkham Asylum on PC: Every bit as good as everyone says it is.

Torchlight on PC: Great Diablo-like, made by the guys who brought you Diablo! Very short development cycle, and it shows on the amount of content. Quality is top notch though.

Dragon Age Origins on PC: Bioware brought us Baldur’s Gate, Knights of the Old Republic and Mass Effect among other awesome games. Dragon Age Origins is a return to the Baldur’s Gate recipe, and it TOTALLY ROCKS.

Need for Speed Shift on PC: I love racing games. I tend to prefer arcade ones (Midnight Club, Burnout). I’ll say this about NFS Shift: OMFG IT ROCKS SO MUCH. It’s the simulation racer made for the arcade racer fans. The expert mode is frustrating though.

Champions Online MMORPG on PC: Fuck this game. I used to have a lot of respect for Cryptic, was a big fan of City of Heroes/Villains, but this is not a good product. Decent graphics and combat but awful frame rate and weak design.

Soul Calibur Broken Destiny on PSP: It’s 100% Soul Calibur. The guest characters are much better than the Star Wars ones in SC4, the character creation is a blast. It pushes the PSP graphics to its limits, meaning it looks gorgeous.

The End

Back in the day, I used to listen to The Who – Who’s Next over and over. It was one of those ‘perfect’ albums. Not too long, but epic, with a variety of tunes differing in scope and feel. The album (as I remembered it) was bookended by two equally massive and powerful songs, i.e., Baba O’Reilly and Won’t Get Fooled Again.

But that crappy show CSI ruined that for everybody! And they ruined BOTH songs for two separate shows! I hate you, David Caruso with your sunglasses and obvious one-liners like: No…this man didn’t just drown…he was murdered!

*OPENING CREDITS*

So onward we go.

I ended up downloading (yes I did) Who’s Next, because I lent my original copy, which I had on tape cassette (old skool, dude), to some girl, some summer, a long long time ago. She never gave it back, and I’ve never forgiven her. Yes, I hate you too along with David Caruso. I hope you two have a nice life together!

Anyhow, I put the whole album on my Ipod and listened to it from beginning to end, just like old times, huh? Except somehow, it didn’t feel right anymore.  I’m not trashing it, because songs like Bargain, Love Ain’t for Keeping and Going Mobile still do it for me, just in a campy sort of way. The production value is still amazing, and there’s just no point in throwing any more accolades on Pete Townshend and Keith Moon. It’s all been said.

But I just can’t enjoy the full album anymore! And I know I’m not the first to say it. It’s CSI’s fault! When Roger Daltry screams in Won’t Get Fooled Again, I see stylized bullets and ridiculous crimes scene techniques followed by David Caruso’s sunglasses peering over the whole thing. Ruined forever.

Yes, just another once great album reduced to a television association. Bah.

top - 11:27:57 up 2 days,  2:51,  2 users,  load average: 227.75, 225.36, 224.84
Tasks: 958 total,  72 running, 877 sleeping,   0 stopped,   9 zombie
Cpu(s): 33.1% us, 66.9% sy,  0.0% ni,  0.0% id,  0.0% wa,  0.0% hi,  0.0% si
Mem:   4086484k total,  4009724k used,    76760k free,   130860k buffers
Swap:  8388496k total,      136k used,  8388360k free,  3163560k cached

What else can I say, except that it’s a bad scene all around. And for privacy sake and non-disclosure, I can’t really talk about it. In fact, I cannot even kill -9 any of those zombie processes. Plus, I’ve never seen that many of them all at once before. Yes, this server is in one sorry state. So I’ll have to resort to a rare Linux event: a reboot.

How embarassing.