Well the big day has finally arrived and I couldn’t be more non-plussed. Yeah. Non-plussed. As in the complete absence of plusses. Sure, The Big Day. The day that Archie makes the biggest mistake of his life.
When I opened my electronic mail today, my alarm was flashing to remind me that today is the day that Archie Comics #600 is released to adoring fans. Now really. Are there really that many people hungrily waiting to devour this swill? The answer is yes, yes there are, and Yours Truly is one of them, albeit grudgingly.
Speaking of grudges, I hate you, Mr. Lodge as well as your snooty ass-kissing butler. What a jerk.
Anyway, let’s get to the point. I slipped into my smoking jacket and headed down to the nearest comic book store to get Archie #600 AKA The Proposal. Now I ain’t gonna lie to you young whipper-snappers. My comic book store is called Torrent Loaderdown or something. I can’t remember really. You’d have to ask my houseboy how he got it delivered to me so fast.
So in between bites of my marmalade toast and sips of my morning tea, I read it. I read the whole goddamn thing from start to finish. And lemme tell you, I had to resist not once, but 5 TIMES, the urges of my body to heave all over my monitor. Archie Comics has some of the most embarrassing, amateurish, and revoltingly bad writing I’ve seen in a long time. And I’ve seen a lot of bad writing. Just ask my ex-wife. No, don’t ask her. Ask her Pulitzer. What a total fraud.
So the story goes like this: Archie and the gang play their last show at Riverdale and they ponder their futures. To avoid having to develop the story, the writers throw in a ‘Flash Forward’ to a whirlwind of scenes depicting college graduation day. There’s even one hilarious moment where Archie forgets to put pants under his graduation gown. Lolz.
As it turns out, everyone will be leaving Riverdale, except Jughead who’s presumably staying behind with Hot Dog to perpetuate a worthless existence at Pop’s flipping burgers. Reggie aspires to be a used car salesman. Betty’s going to New York, Dilton’s going to MIT, Moose is off to be a lunkhead somewhere, Veronica (that bitch) is going to Hong Kong or something, and Archie has no prospects. He does have a cheque that his parents gave him as a graduation gift, and he buys Veronica a ring. Etc, etc, he proposes to The Big V. in the jewelery store. Betty happens in on the happenings through the window, is emotionally crushed under the steamroller that Archie blindly projected in her direction, and the rest is history.
Oh wait, he tells Mr. Lodge, who is pissed at first, but then gives his blessing and vows to hold a gigantic wedding. Veronica declares that it won’t be “as low-key as Obama’s Inauguration”. Actual quote.
As hideously revolting as most of the story is (since I hate Veronica), I cried at the end when She/It asks Betty to be her Maid of Honor. Betty barely had time to put her shattered heart back together when V. drives another thoughtless bitch-stake into Betty’s heart. Nice going ‘Moronica’. Now if you’ll excuse me, my toast is getting soggy. I should never have sold my J.D. Salinger first editions.